'major trust issues in marriage'

Lisa (24.128.17.214) -

My husband has a job with many women of whom he will also travel. I have been told he has cheated on me. Once by a friend who witnessed it. He denied. When I ask questions just to make myself more comfortable with his job/travel he flies off the handle. I have serious trust issues. I feel I would get through (not over) them easier if I could be open to ask for more information. He gets angry. This is causing me to want out, I think about it all the time and just want it to be over. Is it me? Or him?

Comment #1 Jon from AZ (Contact Member) -

we humans have the natural inclination to wish things true.

What motive would your friend have to lie?

We must face reality.

Comment #2 david (63.176.159.159) -

well it could be both ways.. maybe he is just tired of getting the third degree everytime he comes home.. i know you just ask the questions just so you can be better with it in your mind. but honestly do you think that even after he tells you everytime that he didnt do anything wrong, that you still arent gonna believe him either way. does he give you good reason not to trust him? if he does then thats his fault.. and he deserves to be asked questions.. so it sounds like you both need to sit down and have a talk.. tell him why he cant be trusted and explain to hime that thats the reason for the questions all the time.. and wehen someone freaks out like that it can also be a sign of guilt.. i dunno.. hope i helped a lil..

Comment #3 Sandy (63.176.159.103) -

I somewhat agree with David.. Me and my fiance just broke up because he caught me cheating.. And the things that you just said about the freaking out were true about me.. I got offensive when he accused me even though i knew he was right! But sometimes when he bum-rushed me with questions i would get annoyed and want to talk to my "other" man..

Comment #4 hotmom-ma (63.176.159.14) -

Usually a "woman's instinct" is right. How well do you know your husband? This is usually the problem with people rushing marriage and not having the time to know more about each other. Well, to be on equilibrium here, maybe you are just being too paranoid and over reactive to the point that you are annoying him with a series of questioning with the things he has not done. I guess it is not too late to settle this first in a well-mannered and husband-to-wife conversation, if not then I suggest you try a marriage councilor.

Comment #5 Drake (63.176.159.96) -

Come on girls! Don't be so paranoid. That is unfair with women, they blame it all to men even without any proof. Not all men are like those sick arrogants. Look at that woman, Sandy, she is the one whose cheating on her guy, and then she tells us that she is annoyed with her fiance'? Well, hope you'll met your match who will trash and dump you for the woman you are.

Comment #6 Rudolph (63.176.159.4) -

Wow, my nose is so bright!

Comment #7 Deb (74.124.174.72) -

Lisa, has your husband ever once said " Honey I love you, you have nothing to worry about, you are my life and I would not know what to do without you"? Anything at all to ease you mind about the situation knowing how you feel about it? Well my husband did after he went out of state on work and ended up at a restaurant for dinner with a secretary of the vice president of his company and sat there for almost 4 hours which he has never done with me. He claims it was all innocent and all they talked about was their families. But this all came a day later. His first response when I questioned him about it right after he got in from the restaurant was " if you don't trust me then you need to find someone else! and when asked what they had to talk about so long his response was "I don't know! WOW! my thoughts are, my husband just spent the night out away from home with another womand and this is the response I get?

He later claims he was tired and mad that I didn't trust him to begin with.

Maybe it all was innocent and given his nature and friendliness it very well could be, but putting yourself in a situation like that does not always lead to the best outcomes. It sure didn't for me and my husband! Truth is I still don't know why they had a dinner date to begin with and I am still leary about the whole thing. Mainly because our marriage has gotten to the point where we don't talk much anymore or anything else for that matter if you know what I mean!

So you can see why I would think something could be up. Thats just the tip of the iceberg, things get worse, but thats for another day. My husband got defensive right off the bat but we have been together so long ( 10 years) that he probably thinks I should know better. Sounds like you haven't been together very long. I can tell you that if your husband has cheated and you believe he has it will never work out. You will never trust him the way a wife should and he is not going to make it easy for you to trust him with the attitude he is taking. I was the most jealous, untrusting person growing up - allot of issues there too, and I had to learn how to trust after so many bad relationships and I have seen it all. There is the guy who I never thought in a million years would hurt me, he was a smooth talker and put down people who cheated and said he was not brought up that way and would always cherish the woman he had. Guess what! He was caught Cheating! You just never know! I tried to stay with him after he begged and said he made a mistake but after time passed, it was never the same and I could not see myself spending the rest of my life wondering if it would happen again and just being miserable. You said yourself you had major trust issues, and that could play a big part in why your husband is so defensive especially if you badger him constantly about it. But like I said before, you know in your heart if you really think he has it in him to cheat then it will never work! Sorry but it's the truth!

Comment #8 gabby (63.176.159.45) -

you should just have a heart to heart with your husband and let him know how you feel.. maybe things will get better...

Comment #9 Sammy (63.176.159.190) -

if you love him im sure you can figure things out...

Comment #10 Madison (63.176.159.32) -

Has your husband ever given you a reason not to trust him? Has he ever cheated on you at all? you could go about things being sneaky and smelling his boxers checkin his phone records, checking his wallet things like that, or you can sit down with him one night and let him know how you feel by talking to him, if he cares and loves you then he would care that you were upset and that this was bugging you, if he just gets angry, and leaves or doesnt seem to care about your feelings than he obviously has someone else. A relationship isnt good if there is no trust there. You have to have trust and communication in a good relationship, and it sounds like your lacking both.

Comment #11 Morgan (63.176.159.20) -

I agree with what Madison has said, she pretty much is right. You could try sitting him down and talking to him about it, or just you be sneaky and do what she suggested above.

Comment #12 Mina (63.176.159.163) -

I think its much better to talk to your husband rather than to listen to hear says. You and your husband is the center of attraction here do not hire extras.

Comment #13 Hizooka (63.176.159.222) -

Love sometimes could only work out properly if the involved partners have trust with each other. But we cannot just expect our partner to just trust us, trust is gained, it is not just picked up. If you want to be trusted then be one. Show your partner that you can be trusted so she would not be bothered by some scenarios when you two are not together. Make her feel that she is loved and well taken care of. I'm sure it will work things out and will give you the "trust badge"..

Comment #14 Kevin (63.176.159.210) -

You say your friend witnessed your husband cheating, but how well can you trust what your friend says? If this friend was extremely close, then I would put my trust in him or her. But if its just someone you know, and doesn't really know your husband either, you can't really take them too seriously.

Be optimistic, maybe you're husband isn't cheating, and he's just getting angry because you keep bringing up the subject. I don't want to shift the blame on you though.

Comment #15 cwemny (63.176.159.195) -

These infidelity issues are never ending..why? Both parties never tackle issues head on. Third parties can be a source of strife in other people's marriage. You are both to blame for letting your relationship wear and tear. You need to face the issues head and tackle the man. He might be having more accusations coming your way. I hope it will not turn out to be a case of you still holding to an enstranged relationship when you confirm this. And who says cheating is only limited to the menfolk?

Comment #16 Jenny (63.176.159.77) -

There are two things in a marriage that canīt be absent: trust and communications. If these two items are not there, donīt struggle with it and leave. It becomes a game to play, hide and seek. Either forget about the cheating and live on, or stop the whole show right there because it will continue and eventually shoot you down! Much love!

Comment #17 Joseph (63.176.159.177) -

Hope this doesn't escalate into a battle of the sexes because nothing will be resolve if one starts blaming the other gender for their fault and shutting their understanding. You married your husband and I guess by now you should have known him. If he is the type of guy that cheats (basing on how you know him) then follow your gut feel because a woman's intuition is usually correct but try to be open as well find proof and not faults.

Comment #18 Sarah Brown (24.241.113.156) -

I know there are alot of counseling places out there, but i just want to share with this community what has made all the difference for my family and that is inhome family counseling, plus life coaching. I ran into a company called Harmony Crisis Management Group. www.harmonycmg.com and they have counselors around the country. I'm sure if you mention my name they know who i am bc i have thanked them so much. They sent a counselor into my home as opposed to having to go to an office and it made all the difference for us so i wanted to share that with you all. Thank you. Best of luck!

Comment #19 cwemoy (63.176.159.1) -

True Joseph, this could easily turn into a battle of the two sexes. It is not a good thing to point fingers instead of solving an imminent stalemate.

I know of guys who will let you have all the assumptions wrong then bombard you with the truth and leave you feeling stupid. Do not trash what the third party said or use it as the whole reference point. Just use it as a lead. Hope your gut feeling is right.

Comment #20 Zophise (63.176.159.165) -

Will you be swayed off by a mere hearsay or will you trust your husband's words? How well do you know your husband? Is he the type who be easily teased or commit adultery? Have you heard of the phrase "An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth"? Well I am not saying you commit the same crime as well, but if the rumors still continues and if by strange luck you see it for yourself, I would suggest you result to that phrase. After the divorce.

Comment #21 fhaye from LA (Contact Member) -

Maybe you should talk to him seriously. Tell him everything what you feel. I know its really hard but try to talk about it. I can also recommend you to go to counseling or marriage therapist for better and professional advice. They will help you a lot good luck.

• marriage therapist

Comment #22 Kira (63.176.159.84) -

I had encountered such stories as i grow. My aunt had been betrayed so many times i actually fell into thinking that i myself would also be cheated when i marry, i feel like it is normal for boys to go for another women, even if they are tied with marriage.

But as i met my husband, i feel like that is not true, not all men are like that, it depends on how strong you two as a partner cling to each other and be always there when you are needed. That gives each other some sort of belongingness and security, that way your man wont cheat on you.

Comment #23 Eve (63.176.159.145) -

There are always trust issues in marriages, but the spouse would just have to cope with their other half, just as their other half would have to do for them. Marriage has been turned into a business instead of a love affair, and therefore, many people need to consider the fact that they are now in business together and can even consider themselves as partners in such a light.

E-Mail:         

Name:            (required)

Title:           (required)

Message (do not enter emails or links or urls in the message!):