'Not attracted to my wife anymore'

James (74.12.131.186) -

Hi,

My wife and I are married for one year now. Prior to that we dated and lived together for 11 years. When we first dated I was completely in love with her. She was sexy, upbeat, passionate, passive and very easy going on a lot of things. She was the perfect woman.

Fast forward 11 years. Now that same woman is aggressive, very opinionated and a bit lazy. We tend to argue most of the time. When we are not arguing, we are doing our own things. We rarely have sex anymore. The last time was two months ago. I am always the one that initiates it. Therefore I am certain she is also not attracted to me anymore. I find myself thinking about other women and miss dating or having the "butterflies in my stomach" passion.

We have discuss our issues many times. Each time we will try to change things and be on our best behaviour. But things will slide eventually and go back to the same routine. Is separation the only out? Or is there a way we can fix it premanently? I just want both of us to be happy regardless. Tks

James

Comment #1 Natascha (63.176.159.226) -

Well the good thing is that you both recognize the problem and want to do something about it. If you are both willing to work on your marriage it can work!

I think in most relationships things start going a bit downhill after a few years. And the butterflies kind of go away as well. This is a normal process. That 'magic' just doesn't stay automatically.

I believe that for 2 people to be so close for a long time and still respect and admire each other, they have to WORK on it. Let the ego go, just try to give the other one a lot of love, attention, and forgiveness.(Try the book "The power of Now" by Eckhardt Tolle for this part. It helped me in my relationship)

Also, consider a professional marriage counselor to help you over the tough spots. Good luck, don't give up just yet!

Comment #2 pale-o from around the world (63.176.159.23) -

If you dated for such a long time, then you must have known her in and out. Somewhere along the line, things must have changed and I am sure you are well aware of that. She could be acting agressive because the way you used to treat her also changed.

I cannot blame you entirely..she could also be responsible. Try talking things out and also see a neutral counsellor

Comment #3 cwemoy (63.176.159.97) -

I would say that you have been married for twlve years because only one year into marriage and you begin to have problems gets me wondering what the hell went wrong.

People may suppose all theories out of the fix but the last word and solution rests in what both of you will find workable.

I have noticed you are blaming her for being oversensitive yet you againg say, 'we have been quarelling.' What is her side of the story?

Comment #4 Kira (63.176.159.65) -

Neutral Counselor, that sounds new to me.

Hi James, well you have reasons to feel like that. It seems that your wife had undergone metamorphosis and changed his ways over you the marriage itself. Well if you don't mind me asking, have you asked your self, even for once if there is something wrong in your part? You see sometimes the problem is with us and we seldom or most of the time don't notice it and put all the blame to our partners.

I suggest that you figure things out, have you done anything wrong to make your wife shift attitude over you? Think it over dear.

Comment #5 moy (63.176.159.54) -

My understanding of a neutral counsellor is one that would be new to both of you. You do not want going to someone who is a good friend to your wife or husband, do you? It is a simple suggestion but not one you necessarily have to consider.

Indeed, no one is perfect. Have you ever noticed that those who fault others never fault themselves? Somehow, James could be partly responsible.

Comment #6 Olivia (63.176.159.41) -

I have to agree with Kira sometimes we just put the blame on our partners and sees the wrong on their side only. We do not notice our own fault. If relationship goes into a bumpy ride then you must find a way to let your partner feel the bump and let her help you regain the balance, again.

Well it seems to me that emotional bonds have its time limit and sooner and later expires.

Comment #7 Jane (63.176.159.94) -

I think that kind of thinking is so wrong Olivia. You see, when we get married we actually commits our self to a lifetime bond, a lifetime contract that have no expiration dates and so we are tasked to keep the promise of marriage and work hard to make the relationship work.

But, there are always this 'but' in a situation we are in. If you feel like there is a problem then talk, talk things out.

Comment #8 Eve (63.176.159.248) -

Sometimes people tend to get married for all the wrong, reason, thinking to themselves that it is right at the particular point in time. Do not ever get married based upon attraction alone, compatibility is key in any marriage. Then comes genuine love and stern discipline amongst one another.

Comment #9 Baba (63.176.159.169) - Mon Dec 21 23:20:08 2009

It is sad that couples nowadays loose passion on each other. I do not want that to happen to me and my wife. Maybe the best thing to do is to always work things out. Once in a while it would be nice if you go out for a date and try to revive the feelings that you have for each other before. There certainly are lots of ways to make things go back to what they were before.

Comment #10 smithy (63.176.159.184) - Fri Jan 8 15:47:57 2010

It may not be that they had lost passion, but more so due to the lust factor that we must all take into consideration. This is some strange waters within which we are lurking, but we may simply need to fully understand the situation before making any moves that may be regretted.

Comment #11 Kasi (63.176.159.19) - Mon Feb 1 18:34:19 2010

This is something that is common in a marriage, as time goes by people usually become very complacent and she may not see the need to please you anymore. (Sorry to say) I am sorry your in this situation and I hope you do not end up cheating on your Wife. best of luck.

Comment #12 Sammy (109.111.97.168) - Sat Feb 27 20:37:05 2010

Yeah, I also hope that you will not cheat just because you are not that attracted to your wife anymore. i suggest that you try dating, go out and have a great time together. This thing happens to everyone that are in a relationship, we just have to deal with things in a positive way. Have a great day guys and just keep all of those posts coming in. Thanks.

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