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Looking for answersThis forum post has messages dated from 03/21/06 through 04/06/10, please be sure to read all the messages. If you feel it is old or outdated, please follow up with a question or comment and someone may be able to update it, or reply with newer information if you have it. - Marriage Counseling
| Looking for answersI have been married to my husband for 5 years and we have two young children. I married young and have not been single since I was 15 years old. My problem is that he gets very upset with me when I want to go do anything that does not include him. He doesnt like to get out of the house much, and if he doesn't feel like going, he expects me to stay home too. He refuses to let me have a girls night out with my friends. He got upset because I went to go out to dinner with my parents when he did not want to go. I have never been unfaithful to him or even close to it. He has no reason to mistrust me. He says he doesn't trust my friends which I think is complety ridiculous. I am a grownup, but I feel like a kid again having to ask him permission to go anywhere. Then he says "I'd rather you not" and if I argue he gets mad and says, "Well you obviously don't care what I think, so do whatever you want!" We argue about this contantly and I am becoming very resentful. I fell in love with a fun loving, easygoing man, but I feel like I am married to a stubborn, closeminded, selfish person. When I try to talk to him about it I feel like I am talking to the wall because he refuses to move an inch. I feel like if I keep submitting to him I am losing a part of who I am and what makes me happy. Please help me, is this marriage worth saving or would I be better off on my own. Thankyou, Whitney |
| Whitney: I have had the unfortunate circumstance of putting both my Grandfather and Grandmother into a nursing home after my Grandfather fell and shattered his hip, and learning that my Grandmother has Alzheimer's......which had advanced. The reason that I am mentioning this is that my Grandmother was a good wife, and my Granfather was a good Man (but not a good husband). I myself have been married for 18 years to a good man, and until I was put in the middle of my Grandparents situation I thought that being married to a good man was enough. My Grandfather never missed a days work, always came home from work and never yelled or was threatening. After he had a severe stroke 20 years ago, my Grandmother didn't leave his side, his long therapy was very successful but my Grandmother still made every effort to stay with him, limiting her shopping to an hour at most. He always came first. What I didn't notice during their marriage was the fact that he NEVER complimented, or gave my Grandmother attention in any way, yet both were warm and loving to those around them. My Grandmother had many friends over the years, but as soon as they wanted her to go to lunch, or swimming, or any friendly activity, my Grandfather would find some reason for her to cut-off communication. My Grandfather had promised my Grandmother that they would return to their native state upon retirement so that she could be around her sisters and extended family. She saved money for years, bought clothing and household items to store for her "retirement",but he didn't want to go after all....so they didn't. In my 36 years I have never seen My Grandfather even take her out to dinner, shopping, or even church with her. She was isolated. After my Grandfather fell and we were told he would require 24 hour a day specialized care (while my Grandmother stayed with us while the Alzheimers advanced), I prayed that I would have one more day to talk with my Grandmother, that she would understand and be clear. I got my wish, and on that day she told me to sell the house, take her "home" to her native state and find a Nursing home, and that when my Grandfather was released from his Rehabilitation/hospital that he would join her. My Grandmother and I made plans and quickly went on our trip to find a "home" in the other state, she immediately became more and more confused, often talking about what her life with her husband SHOULD have been like, if he had loved her. She had always been isolated, held back from her dreams, ignored, unloved (he never even hugged her), and I never noticed because she gave so much to me. Before the dementia took her for good, she told me to LIVE every day, that being married to a good man was not enough...he has to love you and respect your wishes and decisions, that a husband should understand and value your friendships, and take pride in your accomplishments. I consider myself a very independent person, but was stunned to recognize the similarities between my Grandfather and my Husband. Sometimes it is easy to just give in to what he wants, only to lose a little of yourself each time. Ask yourself when the last time your husband was concerned about your needs instead of his own insecurities? What are his insecurities going to do to your life? How are your children affected (and yes, they will be)? Seek marriage counseling, if he refuses, you will have your answer. Do not be complacent, although he isn't beating or verbally abusing you, you still will lose your life as a result. Be honest to yourself and others about your needs. Good luck to you! Laura |
|  Hi Whitney! I have a Masters Degree in Counseling Psychology from a Christian Seminary, so I just want you to know I'm not some loose canon spewing "homespun" advice...that may not mean anything to YOU, but my getting a Masters Degree and then Licensure and National Certification was one of the things *I* wanted to do to be credible.That said, your situation sounds like one of the couples I worked with abroad...they had a very similar problem...obviously the only person you can change in this scenario is you, right? Is your husband a very insecure person? Was he that way when you met him? Is he speaking out of genuine CONCERN or out of a need to CONTROL? Love motivates the first, insecurity and a need for power motivate the second... I'm all for the "submitting to your husband" thing, but folks who usually throw around that terminology are doing so from a Biblical standpoint...at which point I ALWAYS point out that the CONTEXT in which that statement was made (Ephesians Ch. 6) PREFACES the "wives submit to your husbands" statement with "Men, love your wives as Christ loves the Church." (i.e. in a selfless, sacrificial, unconditional way). If HE gets THAT PART RIGHT, submitting to that kind of love and acceptance is NO PROBLEM!! Anyway, I have some "tools" I can email to you, and a few books I can suggest that might help. Meanwhile, remember this: "If you keep doing what you've always done you'll get what you've always got..." the cycle HAS to be broken by SOMEONE, and since you're the one writing on this forum...well...I guess that person will be you! You can email me privately if you'd like...or, if you're not concerned about confidentiality we can "talk" via this message board. Things CAN change...you do NOT have to live like this! Meanwhile, I'll say a prayer for you, your husband and your family! Blessings, Paula |
| Hi Whitney, I actually just joined this forum and came here to post my marraige issues, but I read your post here and got enticed to replying. Ofcourse, I am in no way qualified to give advice, I am 29 and been married for almost 6 years and have a new baby. The reason I thought of replying is because I faced similar situation in my marraige. I was in a place where I was asking permission to do things I enjoyed and I too felt like I was loosing myself and who I was by just only ddoing what he was okay with. This is obviously not something that can be resolved overnight. Here are some questions and suggestions: - In what circumstances does your husband like to go out? - Maybe if he got ot know your friends more he would be comfortable. I have actually had all my girl friends come over and we all spent time together with my husbad ... that way they became his friends too ... but he would feel weird if he was the only guy and then decided it was okay if it was jsut the girls that got together - Have you tried not 'asking' him and instead just letting him know (nicely) that you will be going out with these people and will be back by this time? (this may not be a good idea though) - Maybe try first to do things with him (maybe it seems like he just wants to sit at home but in reality would love to go out and do certain things with you) .. maybe he feels that you are only all about going and enjoying on your own with your friends and you don't care to spend time with him? - Set expecctations with him instead of asking him everything ... it will take some effort to talk things out but if you can, then set some expectations for him and yourself ... that he can expect you will set aside 1-2 days a week to yourself and he can also expect that you will set aside few days to do fun stuff together etc. .... i think a lot in marraige is about expectations and managing them ... ofcourse I ask you to try all the things in the world but only you know what might be worth trying ... and i do know that anything will take a LOT of effort to initiate ... but once you guys get to talking about it .. you are half way there ... but doing that first bit and knowing how to do it is the most difficult to figure out and i am still sttruggling with it .... anyway .. not sure if i helped or jsut confused you more ... sorry if i did ... |
| Just explain to him that at times you need time alone. If that doesnt work seek marriage couseling. |
| No one can really live their life knowing that every single breathing day, that they would actually have to be with someone. Sometimes we just get too much of that and we need time to ourself in order to achieve greater personal possibilities. |
| "Go to counseling first"
All I can say is go to marriage counseling first before you pull the plug. The simple reason is this: You have invested a lot of time and energy into your marriage and it deserves an analysis by an outside person before you close the book. Even if you end up getting a divorce, at least you will both learn from your mistakes and hopefully not go on repeat them. |
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