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I blame mother-in-law for child with genetic disorder and autism - Marriage Counseling
| I blame mother-in-law for child with genetic disorder and autismHi, when I got pregnant we went to the first OB-GYN appointment together with my husband. We filled paperwork together and talked to the doctor together. The only what I knew at that moment was 3 cases of cleft leap and cleft pallet on my husband's side. Doctor assured us that our chance to have child with that genetic disorder is very low because there no other problems and no problems in my family. Later we discussed our doctor visit with my husband's mother. She assured me that that is the only problem that seems to be running in their family. I was concerned, but ultrasound didn't show any abnormalities. We start having problems with our baby girl when she was 6 month old. By 9 moths she already was in physical and occupational therapies, and was taking medication to help with her chronic constipation. She was delayed in all areas of development. My mother-in-law notified me that nothing to worry because my husband had some developmental delays as a child. By age 2 we had a diagnosis of autism and several moth later we had a genetic test done that showed that our little girl has a very rare genetic disorder, she is missing a piece of chromosome 8. This past summer my mother-in-law slowly starts telling me about different problems that her family is having. I confronted her that my husband's two cousins are albino, not a light skin as I was told earlier. Along with that I learned that my mother-in-law has a bipolar with manic depression disorder and slow colon (she was suggested to have it removed), my husband's sister and albino cousin have a "painful balder syndrome" they are both in their 20s, another albino cousin has a severe case of ADDHD, My husband's sister has condition that doctors cannot diagnose, her body attacks her joints, she is constantly in pain, she takes medication not to have her period because it too painful for her. About 6 people in that family have heart mummer. That is on top of 3 cases of cleft leap/pallet and my husband childhood developmental delays and constipation as a child (now he has IBS). I was shocked by my discovery. Two out of three people in my husbands family have multiple disorders with have genetic tendencies. I cannot find peace with this and the fact that I found out about it 4 years later than I should have. I feel that it all was hidden from me. I feel cheated and betrayed. It is very important for me to have healthy children. I want to have another child but I afraid to have it from my husband. He denied my idea of having a donor sperm. I don't know what to do. We don't have a family; we have ABA therapists at our house until 8 p.m. every day. I work 3 hours a day and on the weekends so that I could take my child to the different therapies in our rehabilitation center. I asked my mother-in-law several times to help me to take care of our child. Her responses was "I am shopping”, “She is not my responsibility”, "I raised my children now is your turn". I asked her why she didn't tell me about all the genetic problems that run in her family. She told me “You already were pregnant, what's the point of telling". I tried to talk to my husband about the whole situation. I fell that genetic test could had been done while I was pregnant if we knew that situation is that serious. Her genetic disorder could be diagnosed while I was pregnant and honestly I don't have problem with abortion if child will be disabled for life. He is standing by his mother. I feel that she should take active part in taking care of our child. I feel that it was her responsibility to tell the truth about all the family genetic problems before my relationships with my husband got serious. I am mad at my husband because he doesn't support me emotionally to get out of this situation, I feel that he should had known about his family genetic problems. I am physically and emotionally tired to deal with disabled child. Right now I don't see another way except a divorce. I don't know what to do with our daughter because no person can deal with her on their own. I don't have emotional capacity to take care of her on my own. Me and my husband are living together only because of our child. But at the same time my husband is telling me that he loves me and he wants to save our marriage. He start acting like nothing happened, like nothing is going on. I told him to stop kissing me and show any kind of affection. I feel empty, I have nothing to give, I am barely making throw the day. Please give me an advise what to do. I am 30 now. I don't want be 40 with no children, I don't want to have another disabled child it will kill me for sure. What to do? How to make a peace with this situation? |
| I am having the hard time understanding you dear. Is having a healthy child all that is important to you? What about love? What about your dear special child? You see there is no one else to be blamed that you. Why? Because like any Americans you instantly jump in a relationship without even completely knowing everything that has to be learned about your partner. What happened to the love you had for him once? How can you be so cold to your own child, of your own flesh and bone? Your mother-in-law is right, rasing your child is your responsibility, if you don't want it then work hard and get a helper which can give the right attention to your child. If you don't want to have another child again then don't. speak to your husband, but if you have already decided for a divorce (but I beg you to reconsider), please choose the a perfectly healthy man that you have completely know. Don't go back here complaining the same thing again with a new man. |
| You are sick and I don't see any reason for you husband to divorce you right away after telling him the fact that you want a donor sperm so you could make sure you could have a normal child. It's very insulting for him and you should be ashamed by telling him this. You don't need a husband, what you need is sperm donor right. You don't deserve to have your own family. The problem is you and not your husband or your mother-in-law. |
| You know what, you should not think and feel that way. I also have a little girl and in case that she might have that kind of sickness I would not dare to take my back on her. She is your child. you should not seek of a marriage counselor, you should get a mental help. That poor child is so unlucky to have you as the one who gave life to her, you are not a MOTHER so do not expect to have another child. |
|  "American culture is to blame for autism"
The unhealthy culture in the USA is the main cause of autism... from food, chemical use, strollers, etc... |
| "the in-laws are crazy"
I am in a similar situation and symphatize with the original poster. A genetic disease is not something to hide from someone you marry. Hiding such things is a breach of trust that's essential to marriage. In addition, it's unfair to force someone else to deal with health problems. Maybe your family might be ok with disabled kids, but not everyone wants that. The wife should have been given the choice to choose or not to choose. By hiding that information, the in-laws were thinking only of themselves, not of the woman. Is that love? The mother-in-law and whole family sound irrational and their lack of remorse is appalling. |
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