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Can I break away from my dysfunctional family at age 60?This forum post has messages dated from 06/01/07 through 12/02/10, please be sure to read all the messages. If you feel it is old or outdated, please follow up with a question or comment and someone may be able to update it, or reply with newer information if you have it. chat - Dysfunctional
| Can I break away from my dysfunctional family at age 60? I'm a 60 yrs old female. I'm sick and tired of the toxic people in my family. There are a lot of gossips, backstabbing, and resentment that have been accumulated for more than 60 yrs. History continue repeating itself and there is no attempt to compromise and move forward. Blaming and reliving the past is a way of live. I don't want to continue the rest of my life in that type of environment. Everybody suffers from depression and/or anxiety. It's a vicious cycle that I want to escape and start over far away from my family. Is it too late to start over? Am I selfish?Thanks for your input. |
| you can break away from your family whenever you want. your just gonna feel so lonely because of your age. |
| I would try and talk the situation out with your family.. |
| What family doesn't have issues? Your a family, your supposed to be able to work it out. |
| You are already at your sixty years old you should know best when it comes to these sort of things. Didn't time test you for this? Your life will soon come to a conclusion and I think resolving this should be your last ultimate goal. You should be respected as an elder, well if the members of your family respect one another. Talk it out first. If it is still a hopeless case then get out of the house and spend your last days at a Home for the Aged. If that is your choice. |
| Every family is unique but what thing that never lacks is turmoil and disagreements. You need to know that whatever is happening to you is nothing new and at sixty the many of us who are about a third your age should be looking up to you. There is something called unity in diversity in the sense that you can all live under one roof but still agree. Try being different..they will notice it! |
| An old age goes like, 'God gives us relatives but thankfully, we can choose our friends.' Have you tried talking to a friend or two? Third parties can indeed make or break a family unit. Normally when you grow up in a dysfunctional family, you experience trauma and pain mostly from your parents. This even becomes when coupled with inadequate coping skills. At sixty, I bet your hurt feelings are almost outpouring. The hard and painful fact is you cannot break away..you will have to set boundaries and have strategies of survival. |
| My opinion? Simple...if a situation has become unbearable and unsustainable, get out! Of course there are some requirements and possible threats: You may feel lonely, as Tom says, and want to return later, and the threat is not being able to walk alone. Difficult family situations, also called "disfunctional systems", become ingrained in us, condition us and the others because it is a system and we are part of it. Whatever the problem is WE contribute. The moment we stop contributing to the problems, we immediatly start changing the system. Like if family members quarrel and we quarrel too, when we decide to stop doing it the others will also tend to stop quarreling. The system depends on what you all do, THAT is the system. So you can try that alternative: stop acting out the family problems become the "peacemaker", bring peace and harmony into the family, give it one last chance. |
| My advice is: Get some distance but don't burn your bridges. It seems like you are suffering a lot under your family. Sometimes a little bit of distance helps. Why don't you move to your own apartment a few minutes away, for example. You will still have the option of contact, but when YOU want. Maybe that way your relationship will improve. By the way, Palo and Thomas, an older person can still have a really interesting and active life. 60 is not old to go to a home, Grey!! I have an 69-year old aunt who got divorced a few years ago, because she was miserable. Now she's totally happy, works in 2 interesting jobs, has more friends than me, paints, travels, goes to concerts, goes to single meetings etc. She's so great, I feel old compared to her. Don't be afraid, Sepia, you have the right to your freedom and happiness. |
| It is true you cannot at all break away from your family; they are part of you and besides, you did not at all choose them. What Natascha has said is almost what I was to say. You can never burn a bridge if does not serve the purpose...you try to fix it and keep your distance. Your part in the whole setting will determine how the future will unfold. I agree, life is what you make it be and age is just but a number. You deserve to be happy dear friend. |
| I have to agree with post number eight. You can always choose to keep distance from your so called disturbed family, but never to a point where you cut all the strings that binds you to them. They are still your family, you can always have your friends come and go but never your own family. They are always a part of you no matter what troubles your family are experiencing right now. |
| Well guys i have to admit that i myself is experiencing the same difficulties with my family. I always felt that i was restricted and they want me to act according to their 'precious' perfect plans, but i changed my views now. I believe that family are there to support, love and understand you, no matter what you become they are there. So i decided to go with my dreams, me, my boyfriend and our little girl is moving away. I think that it is the best way to stop the burden and make them realize that i am old enough and i needed some free space to decide on my own. |
| Some of the guys completely misunderstood Sepia here with her problem. Not because she is already 60 that she has no right to move out of that toxic HOUSE (see the emphasis on the "house", for it is no longer a "home" to her). There are still people who find happiness from all of the problems with their lives by merely moving out. You just don't understand her situation and that same kind of insensitive attitude is what she probably are experiencing in that house. |
| Break away as soon as you can. Call to say hi. They will call you to say hi. If their conversations become toxic, they say you have to go. Take care of yourself. At this point, you need to accept that you can't save them. Save yourself by living your own life. |
| At age sixty, it is certainly going to be hard to break away from a dysfunctional family, as it is absolutely hard to teach and old dog new tricks. Still, one would initially wonder, for sure, why did the person live among such dysfunctional a family and for such a long time too? |
| Why only now? Where would you go? Do you still have a decent life saving which you can get money from? Maybe you are just being too sensitive which obviously happens at an old age. You have been stuck and have gone through a lot maintaining that family so why surrender now? If I were you you convert that stress and turmoil into other media. Go out with friends, enjoy life, travel. It can also be your scapegoat and a chance to get away from them plus you are enjoying yourself. Bottom line, you can't escape from family. |
| Whenever it is that people get 'up there' in age, they really tend to end up just being a bit cranky and sensitive towards every single matter that they can feast their eyes and or ears upon. It is most certainly true, my aging grandmother can surely account for that much, I know. |
| You are 60, and still in the problem of that kind. What took you so long to make things right? Gosh, i guess you really had a hard time dealing with that. I just hope that you deal with your dysfunctional family and hope that you eventually break away from your dysfunctional family. Good luck and have a good day. |
| Yea, at sixty years old is truly is very much hard for one to now try to break away from such a situation. |
| Who learns to be cool with living with a dysfunctional family? Especially when the family member is elderly? What is the situation with this? |
| I do not know how I would live with such a situation dangling over my head. Dysfunction is my pet peeve. |
| I also have to agree on that. Don't you think it is already to late to think that way? I suggest that instead of breaking away, you can try to make things work. You are in the peak of your life and I bet you would want to be living beside your loved ones, which are your family and not away from them. Good luck anyway, and be strong always. |
| "Person"
Hello to Sepia, Isn't it funny, I am 60 and going through the exact same thing. My children are mean and verbally abusive and take advantage of me. As soon as I told them I would not put up with that any more, now I have not heard from them for two months, total silence!! I believe I need to establish new boundaries, allowing them to be on their own more and not always be so available to help them, etc. Let them be grown ups. I am not sure how this will work, but I am sure going to give it a try. My husband and I are just sick of being embroiled in a problem with one of them all the time. Just my 2 cents worth. Kathy Jordan Sanford, NC katbird@charter.net |
| "SEPIA!"
Sepia, Giiiirl, I KNOW the feeling. I have been asking God lately to please take me away from all this negativity and unhappiness that is in my life, which many of it stems from my immediate family. As it's sometimes good to get advice from others, what do YOU really want to do? I feel like age is IRRELEVENT to this, or most situations, because you can be 60 and have more life and energy inside of you than I do at 21. In my opinion, there is absolutely NO reason to keep toxic people in your life at ANY age. Life is a gift, so why not live it feeling the best way we possibly can? If God gives me the opportunity to break free and be on my own, i will surely keep in touch with my family because i will always love them, but just keep enough distance between us so that their drama will no longer affect me, and I can breathe and be myself. I know your situation will unfold to your advantage. Best wishes! |
| "Maybe it is for the best..."
Only you know the finer details of what your family has put you through, how they've hurt you, maybe even chose to.I myself, after giving my own dysfunctional family members chance after chance, have decided to call it a day and just get on with my life. I too find they can be so very toxic and depression is a big problem as a result for many people in my family, when this could have been avoided if certain individuals were not so stubborn and selfish. It gets to the stage where you sit back and wonder- am I going to spend the rest of my life dealing with this? Going through the same motions, the same argumets and fall-outs? I don't think it is too late to make a change, I find it odd that others do. Your being 60 doesn't mean you don't have a right to enjoy life by surrounding yourself with positive people and situations. Putting your time and energy into people who are there FOR you and not agaist you. Good luck with your final choice! Remember, you have spent years being unhappy, now you can change that. |
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