This is my first experience on the web and I'm just learning how to do this.I'm looking for someone to talk to about dealing with the depression itself..I have clinical depression. It is a little different in that although other illnesses affect it, it is chemical in nature, and always present.
I'm at a point now that I feel like walking wounded. I am well enough that deep depression has gone for now. But I simply cannot work. My concentration is poor, my memory worse, and it can be complicated and interwined with my diabetes and migraines.
Just as soon as I get to function somewhat normally, it will hit again and it will take 3 or 4 days to talk myself into getting out of bed.
Everything is a chore. I talk to myself all the time, telling myself each step to accomplish the simplest of things.
I'm in the process of filing for Social Security and it's been a long road. My first claim was denied. I found an attorney to file an appeal, but he was incompetent. He, or rather his secretary ( he wouldn't take my calls ) would only say that he was waiting for a court date. After more than 16 months I discovered he never filed the petition with the court! I spoke with the court office and they said there was no pending case in my name, not even an application for one!!!!
I have a new lawyer and had to go thru the process again. It took a couple months to turn it down again. I hope to have a court date in 90 days.
FYI There will be a lawsuit against the "attorney" for ths social security benefits I won't get because my original application is considered expired. It's called client abandonment.
Anyway, my problem is this. My symptoms go back to about age THREE! Everyone talks about getting back to where they were before the depression set in. For me, I don't know who or what I'm supposed to be. What is "Normal"? What is my potential?
I have a B.S. in Accounting, but I never did well in interviews. I got my degree one or two classes at a time. It took me 17 years to get it. But I've never had a job where my degree was used!!! That's bad enough, but I couldn't get scholarships or grants or loans because they said my parents, my husband, and I made too much money. My dad had a good salary, but they were raising eight kids on it!!
I WENT TO SCHOOL ON MASTERCARD!!!!! My husband and I both worked full time to keep up and to raise our 2 children.
My husband is terrific support. I do talk to him but he doesn't seem to understand the depth of my depression and has a hard time understanding my position. Bless his heart. He tries so hard to help me. I wish I could find the words to be able to express myself so that he could.
I just wish I had some kind of compass to tell me I'm going in the right direction, or at least moving at all. I seem to be at a plateau.
Social security seems to think just because I managed to get a degree and raise a family and I can do things like put this message together that somehow I should be able to work on a daily bassis at some sort of job. They have no idea that every thing I do takes all my strength and perserverance. If it gets done it is because I've made an all out effort taking all my strength. Short term is okay, but to try to do this on a daily basis is just out of the question.
One more thing. I'm doing this on my brother-in-law's computer at 2:00 AM. I can't afford the internet. I'm here taking care of my father - he's 84 - for a few days so my sister can have a short vacation that she so dearly needs. I know I couldn't take care of him 24/7 the way she does. I'm very grateful.
All my family - and its a very large one - want to help me any way they can. But it's my fault that they can't because I don't know who I should be? Who am I?
Can anyone identify with me?
P.S. Flag any message for me to Diane or my brother-in-law will never know it is for me.
Thanks.
