'My Husband has filed for Divorce'

Sherry (67.163.113.226) -

My husband was diagnosed as Bipolar last fall, after his grades started slipping in graduate school and he became suicidal. He started taking his medications but then stopped and went to a psychologist for a second opinion. His psychologist disagreed with the diagnosis and instead diagnosed him as having anxiety with depressive features, paranoia, and anger issues. He also suggested he be put on Lexapro. In March, despite the medication, he went into another depression. I was draggin him out of bed to take a shower. Then in April and May, he seemed to pull out of it. Everything was fine up until about four weeks ago.He quit taking his medication for three days until I found out. when he got back on it, he started having horrendous mood swings. One minute I was the best thing that ever happened to him and the next I was out to sabbatage him and I stole his keys. He also went on a Home Depot shopping spree where he ran up his credit card and I had to tranfer $1750 into his checking account to prevent him from bouncing stuff. He justified the purchasessaying he bought stuff for multiple home projects ( he only finished two of the projects), and then out of the blue, he took $7500 out of the bank account, moved out and filed for divorce. He refuses to talk to me. I am some sort of demonic element and he is saying I've been abusive to him. None of this is true. I got him put into a hospital against his will, but after 23 hours they released him because he wasn't an immediate threat to himself. He is also still pulling money out of a line of credit he has at a bank. He is telling everyone he is fine and the people that have talked to him say he's one of the most self-centered people they've talked to and he says he's at peace with his decisions. This is not my husband. Chuck would never rob our bank account or run up his line of credit at the bank. Nor would he go on a Home Depot shopping spree, especially if he was planning on leaving. What can I do? His family is believing everything he is saying about me and taking it as fact, so they are not talking to me.In less than sixty days I will be divorced.

Comment #1 Harsh Truth (208.155.166.200) -

It sounds like you don't want to be divorced. It also sounds like you can't stand being married to him.

I say get all your money out of the joint accounts before he spends (or in your words robs) it all. Pray you have some money when the divorce is final.

Whether you are dirt poor or have some cash in the bank, celebrate that you are free of that nonsense.

Maybe Dr. Doug or someone will pipe in here with a different view.

Comment #2 Dr. Doug (200.91.169.133) -

Hello Sherry,

Your husband sounds like he has a bi-polar disorder. Or, he may have the diagonosis the other doctor gave him. Either is possible. The problem is not so much the disorder itself, as it is getting the patient to keep taking the medication. I have had an atypical bi-polar disorder for most of my life. Yet, I retired as a successful psychologist without going to the extremes your husband has done.

Since it is apparent that your husband does not want to take his medicine and is in denial of his illness, I am afraid that I have to agree with Harsh Truth. If he is not a danger to himself or others, the only thing you can do is get what money you can out of your joint accounts and hire a good divorce lawyer. He is a sick man who does not realize it yet and is unwilling to accept your help.

Good Luck.

Doug

Comment #3 Mark Bronder (216.170.10.130) -

Sherry

I am going through the exact problem with my wife as you are with your husband. The best advice that I have had is to get the person to both a psychiatrist (meds) and a psychologist (counseling/talk therapy). In this scenario, in my opinion, the spouse needs to be present to provide the full picture of the situation. When only on meds, they think they are fine and don't see the problem. The trick is getting the counseling in place so they get to a point of "acceptance" of the illness.

I would be happy to talk with you more about my experience.

Mark

Comment #4 Dr. Doug (200.91.169.133) -

Hi Sherry and Mark,

Your stories are very familiar, especially to patients with this disorder and their families. People with this disorder can live happy and successful lives if they stay on their medications and contiue in counseling until they learn how to cope with the symptoms.

You are both welcome to use my site to share your stories and I can give you my input as well. I am a retired psycholigist with 36 years experience and have been a Bipolar Disorder patient for most of that time and possibly longer, but it didn't stop me from accomplishing the things I have done.

Warmest Regards,

Dr. Doug

Comment #5 Dr. Doug (200.91.169.133) -

Hi Sherry,

I am not an attorney and therefore cannot advise you regarding your joint bank accounts. Harsh Truth makes a valid point about protecting yourself and any children. If his symptoms become bad enough that you can prove he needs a conservator to protect your family finances, that is an option to divorce. A good licensed mental health professional should be able to tell you if he qualifies for conservatorship and assist you in finding options and make choices about your husband's mental disorder.

Warmest Regards,

Doug

Comment #6 Dianna (71.2.182.63) -

Hello Sherry,

I am so sorry to to read what has happened to you and your marriage. But guess what? It just happened to me this year,two days before the New Year. After 17 years of marriage,4 grown children,(two each by previous marriages),5 grandchildren and another one on the way.The love of my life left. Out of nowhere it all came. We have had our normal ups and downs,but never did I ever doubt his love or commitment to me or this marriage or our family.I could not accept that he just no longer loved me,so I played dectetive and found out that my husband(who is turning 54 in March) is having an affair with a 31 year old,who is single with a 2year old child,to complicate matters more this female lives three blocks from my(his step-daughters) house where 3 of his grandkids lives.This female is younger than any of his grown children,her child is younger than any of his grandchildren. He has gone through literay thousands of dollars. She must think he is loaded with money.The lies are rampant. He is running around with younger people in their thirty"s. But I can tell you how to know exactly what he is doing almost all the time.But that is painful to know. My husands family thinks he is just fine too. They say he has never sounded better or more confident in what he is doing. True, but he is on a MANIA EPISODE. So if you dont understand Bipolar, then that is exactly what you will think. They have to educate them selves on Bipoar.I have a major issue you dont.Due to hippa privacy law. My husband took my name off his medical records, so now the doctors can not and will not talk to me,PERIOD. It was on there when he was well, he got sick and took it off. So what do I do now? So am I gonna give him a divorce?Million dollar question!I just cry and pray alot for him and us.Please feel free to contact me,we both need a shoulder to lean on.For all who read this,please pray for our husbands,Bipolar is an ugly,cruel,evil disorder I would not wish off on anyone.All of the spouses and families of bipolars need your prays. We need feed back from people who know and understand what bipolar is or who a similar experience.As for the new love(or kid) in my husbands life, if she only new, SHE WOULD RUN LIKE HELL AND NEVER LOOK BACK. IT IS SOMETHING FOR US TO THINK ABOUT TOO.

Hang in there Sherry, LADY DIA- (Texas)

Comment #7 penny levy (71.32.22.53) -

Dear Sherry, Mark and Dianna,

WOW!!! My story is the same. Reality! My husband filed for divorce three years ago. We are still not divorced. I did the "oh my he still loves, how can he do this" guess what i do not care if it is illness, it is how it is. It does not matter who says what about whom. It does not matter who believes what. It is not our job to convince anyone of anything. Yes, it hurts, yes it is embarassing. I have kept my mouth shut for two and a half out of the three years. Learned what triggers my own insecurities. I know my strengths, i have never been hungry. I pray for my husband several times a day. The more I have prayed, the more freedom and peace i have. Believe what is happening, there is nothing you can do. Find your joy!! Get your life back! Your husbands or wife is in the lords hands, and he does a much better job at intervention that you or I. penny

Comment #8 Maureen (58.178.101.157) -

Dear Doug, Sherry and Others,

Sherry,

Your husband did to you what I did to my Ex-husband seven years ago. I don't know if it'll help, but perhaps seeing a similar experience from the other side may be useful. I hope so.

I've suffered from bipolar disorder most of my life but didn't know it until four years ago. Seven years ago I was on a bipolar high that lasted a year, during which time I met a brilliant scholar on the Internet. He's an American and was married for 25 years before I met him. I romanced him and when he started loving me, I insisted that he come to Australia. In time he agreed, but first we thought it prudent that we meet first to see if we were genuine and were the people we claimed to be.

I flew to America on a business trip and stopped took a train to where he lived. He encouraged his wife to leave town for the weekend, which she did, to visit old high school chums. I didn't visit his home. Neither of us had done anything remotely like this, and he was afraid acquainces would see. So we stayed at a motel for the weekend.

As a rationalization, I told myself my husband wasn't my intellectual equal and his friends hated to read. He never went beyond the sixth grade, though when he retired, we were secure financially after a long successful career in management while I continued teaching.

The man in America was the man of my dreams but my bipolar high clouded my capacity to reason. I convinced the man to come to Australia. I told my husband he was battered by his wife, which is true, and that he would move in with us so he could complete a book...which was not true. I loved him with a crazed passion, much like the passion I experienced when meeting my first husband. He was my second husband. I left my first husband after seven years of marriage exactly as I left my second, though I was married the second time around nearly 30 years.

I was losing control of my mental illness and my life. Ron, from America, was going to be the white night who would save my like Julius did in my second marriage. Both my first and second hubands helped me escape my highs and lows. They placated me and gave me what I wanted just to keep me safe and quiet. But the American, Ron, didn't do that. He compelled me to confront a drug problem with prescription drugs, and it was he who concluded I was mentally ill and should seek advice.

Financially I'm fairly secure but my three daughters and four step children don't talk to me or visit or send Christmas cards. I'm not allowed to see my grandchildren. I blamed myself because I left a perfectly fine man and for what? Love? My mental illness?

It's taken four years to untangle this huge pile of messy emotional string. As it turns out, simple right and wrong moral answers contributed little to my mental health and nothing for my understanding.

My last husband, Ron, is a researcher and he has paved the way for me to be truly free, which I'm not yet free. He controls my meds and after years of psychiatric care, my care, he follows the protocol my GP, Psychologist, and Psychiatrist have agreed upon. I overdosed on Ativan, Zanax, and a variety of depressants so Ron had to hospitalize me, three times in a private mental hospital.

I didn't tell you, but Ron is physically disabled in a wheelchair. Julius actually adapted our bathroom so Ron could use it and installed a ramp before Ron came to Australia from America. He found out accidentally the first night Ron was in our home of our affair. We denied that it was a sexual affair and since Ron was small and disabled, he believed it. The sex thing was the most important thing to my ex. What was remarkable is that Julius flew to America to live with Ron's wife at the time, A month after a moral outrage, he had fallen in love.

Now she, Ron's Ex-wife, is Julius' third wife. She lives in Australia with him and my three daughters relate to her as if she is their natural mother. I'm the outcast. No one from my past, except two sisters, relate to me. The question that I've been wrestling with is the reason.

Sherry, from your perspective, I suspect I'm the baddy in the story I just described. I know I felt so much guilt and shame after openly admitting that I'm mentally ill. If it wasn't for Ron, I wouldn't have survived this. You may say, "If it wasn't for Ron, you wouldn't have had this experience." For a long time, this was what I believed. I would have agreed with you. But simple marketing type jingoistic analyses were incomplete. Many parts of the mental illness puzzle were not even being considered. Psychiatrist, Psychologist, GP and my family were all influened in a context of emotional conflicts. My doctors were trying to keep me from killing myself. My children didn't care. They were consumed with hate and venom. Forget epilim, lithium, ativan, prozac and all that. They are essential. Don't get me wrong. But the truth about mental illness...the complete truth was the hardest pill for me to take.

Stigma toward the mentally ill, mentally challenged, physically disabled, elderly, the categories that described my situation, was all but ignored among the professionals and sparsely examined in the literature.

My grandfather was put away by his wife, my grandmother, for the last 34 years of his life in an asylum. In the 1940s, this was a common practice in England where I was raised. I knew I wasn't right in the head from the time I was a child, but entertaining that I'm mentally ill felt like suicide. It turned out to be social suicide for me.

There are reasons people live in denial and I've discovered stigma to be the most corrosive aspect of being mentally or physically disabled.

Your husband and all of us understand there are both consequences to being mentally ill and consequences to openly admitting it. It's almost a platitude to say, "they don't take their meds because they live in denial." Why is this the case? Why do my three daughters claim I'm pretending, looking for attention, and wish to escape responsibility for what I did to the family? Stigma.

I don't know how he does it, but Ron keeps things in perspective. He's seen me delusional when I believed he was my dead uncle Leo who committed suicide when I was a teen, and that I could talk with my dead mother. He never lost sight of me and who I was and reflected back to me who I was.

I don't remember the delusional times. But accepting that my daughers judge and rejected me in response tu cultural stigma toward the mentally ill fits.

Julius looked at my mad behaviour as acting out or when he sensed something dreadful was wrong, he escape by watching Cricket in the shed on a 12" black and white television.

None of this is simple, Sherry. A mental illness like bipolar depression isn't like a broken arm or diabetes like people like to pretend. In terms of diagnosis, prognosis, and treatment alternatives mental illness is like other illnesses. But it affects perception, decision-making and the stigma associated with it makes the already sometimes paranoid vicitm of the illness, afraid of being judged, ostracised, and ignored by loved ones and friends. Living alone with the symptoms while appear normal may seem crazy, but to one afflicted with bipolar in the real stigmatized world...at least for me for a long time, it was the only sane thing to do. Eventually I ran of energy and had to confront my illness.

Ron doesn't judge or call me to task. When I resist taking my meds, he accepts it but negotiates, "Let's try only 800 miligrams of Epilim rather than 1200 since feeling sleepy is what bothers you." He's crippled but brilliant. Given who I am, and who I am is a proud British intellectual woman who takes no guff from anyone, I would never have survived this illness were it not for Ron's direction and kindness.

It's common because it's easy to throw up one's hands and say, "Sod it. I'm glad to be done with it. Mental illness like any chronic severe illness, is harsh. When a people suffer parylized legs, 80% experience divorce from stigma, shame, and because their partner can escape what the victim cannot.

I know this is a long letter but the point, I believe, justifies its length and content. The answers regarding destructive and irrational behaviour, decisions, and choices among bipolar disorder patients...and patients afflicted with a variety of mental illnesses, aren't simple. Mental illness appears to be a cop out or an avoidance of responsibilities, when in fact it's a defect in the brain's chemistry. Sadly, this defect departs from other illnesses in that we, the mentally ill and the rest of the world silently judge this illness and act cdorrosively in response to judgments while heralding politically correct platitudes.

On my web site (out-of-joint.com), with which I struggle each to improve, I say that stigma is as imperceptible as shooting stars, and it is. Stigma is the destructive component of mental illness in the social context. Stigma tears apart family, friends, and sometimes small communities. When I read your story, Sherry, I took a broad view and haven't a clue as to what to do about stigma. No one's to blame. On my site I advocate talking about it. I'm convinced stigma is what leads to denial. The mentally ill are shamed and self-loathing. They are stigmatized against themselves and their illness.

I don't have solutions. I'm just talking about it.

Maureen

• Out of Joint

Comment #9 Nancy from New Jersey (Contact Member) -

These messages all bear a similarity to each other and to my experience. My husband had a psychotic break where he was in full-blown mania three and a half years ago and told me he wanted a divorce. It came completely out of the blue. (Prior to the manic episode, which began on a vacation, he had been very loving to me and our daughter). This period of his mania and saying he no longer loved me and wanted to "experience other women" lasted several weeks. We separated, and then he told me he wanted to get back together. In fact, he begged me. He was clearly over the episode, and I took him back, though with some misgivings. The next three and a half years were difficult. A depression followed the mania, and he also suffered from paranoid delusions (this has been on and off for years). However, for the last two years or so, our marriage has been going well, and he has insisted on his love for me and the fact that he would never leave me again. However, just recently -- the past two weeks -- a manic episode developed, starting with an incident at work that got him upset. He sent out a barrage of crazy e-mails to people at work (we both teach at a university) and also called up five women, asking them to "have lunch or coffee." Though he'd talked about other women before (i.e. the earlier episode), he'd never taken any action. Still, he responded to my anger about this by saying he loved me and this was just his "sickness." He said he wanted to stay married, calling me his "perfect wife, beautiful, etc." He was also very romantic, wanting a lot of sex and buying me sexy lingerie. Then two days ago he came home saying that he is "in love" with one of the women he had called. He hardly knows this woman, who has a boyfriend and is not in the least interested in him. He claims he no longer wants to be married, though he still -- he says -- "loves me, " but wants to get a divorce. (We are, at least temporarily, separating.) I feel completely confused. Even the first episode did not move so quickly (though his behavior was, in some respects, crazier). I don't know what to think. He has gone off his medication (Depakote and Haldol), but stayed on the anti-depressant. He's chain-smoking. In other words, he is cultivating the mania, which he claims is the "true him." He says he came back to me before because he "chickened out." He says, although he thinks I'm "beautiful, wonderful, kind, etc." he doesn't want to be married anymore. When I ask why, he finds it hard to give an answer that makes sense. When I challenge him by pointing out that he said he loved me only days ago and that his abrupt change just MIGHT have to do with being manic, he gets extremely defensive, saying that he doesn't want me to talk about him as if he is crazy.

I don't know what to do. Our little girl is 10. She loves her dad and, normally, he is a good dad and a loving husband (though often self-absorbed with his anxieties, etc.) Any help?

Comment #10 David (69.237.198.33) -

Hello, I have been with my wife for 20 years. She is on the latest medicine but her condition has not stabalized. A few years ago the only way they could bring her into reality was ECT. It worked but she lost all of her memory of our past. This last month she is paranoid beyond belief. I had her put in a psychiatric hospital but she breezed right through. She can fool anyone. She has Lynch Syndrome and has had breast cancer, endometrial cancer and colon cancer. She has a 80% chance of getting more cancer. She has left to see a lover of hers from the past. Could not stop her. I love her but if I am not around she forgets her medical appointments. She has to have extensive test on a regular basis. I have had to stay with our neice for a few days to regain my sanity. I don't know what to do. If I leave she could die. I still love her but HIPPA prevents me from talking to her doctors now. She wants to destroy me financally. If anyone could help I would appreciate it. email: d.w.may@earthlink.net

Comment #11 paula from midwest, usa (Contact Member) -

I'd like to first of all say how much I admire each of you who have shared your story on this forum...I am a professional therapist and have a large client base who have a bipolar disorder diagnosis.

Over the years I have seen bipolar destroy marriages, careers, and what otherwise might have been a happy home. It's absolutely heart breaking...

I CAN say what seems to work and what doesn't...in my experience, every successful bipolar client has a "network" of folks who help him/her to "stay on track." (This alone precludes the client and/or his/her family the "luxury" of denial). Among those in the "network" are supportive family members, a medical doctor, a psychiatrist, a banker or CPA, and a therapist. There additionally seems to be a common "trait" among the clients, and that is that they are interested in learning all they can about their disease. I don't know about YOU, but if I can know the NAME of the monster, I can face it.

Given the list mentioned above, it should be apparent that there are medications, appointments, and a great deal of "balancing" that has to go on for the bipolar client to find some sense of "level" or "balance". (You'll note that among the medical entourage is a banker or CPA...this is for the reasons each of you have stated on this message board).

Needless to say, the family has to live in and among "the madness." It takes a great deal of love, patience, and tenacity to get things to a place of stability. Lots of folks can't do it. And, to their credit, the bipolar person has probably created such self destructive cycles their leaving becomes a matter of self preservation...for themselves and for the family.

I know I haven't answered many questions, or addressed some of your concerns...obviously there are no quick or easy answers to your dilemmas...

I guess I just wanted to chime in and let you know that someone "hears" what you're saying, understands how difficult your lives can be and believes that you can find a path out of these dark places into the Light.

Feel free to email me privately...meanwhile, please know that I will say a prayer for you and your families.

Comment #12 Deployed Soldier from Iraq (Contact Member) -

Dr. Doug,

I think my wife is bipoar due to he stopping her meds for a month and then starting again. Three of her four meds are used to treat bipolar disorder. She now says she has never loved me and wants a divorce. Does someone like this go from angry to feeling cold emotionally to get their love back?

Comment #13 diane (71.205.187.65) -

I think it might be the bipolar thats taking over his personality .Do you notice a change in his behavior.

Comment #14 angela (66.186.79.23) -

My story sounds similar to everyone elses my husband went into an episode last october and wanted a divorce by December he walked out this past January 4 days after my birthday claiming he didnt love me but had feelings for someone else the pain is still there and is still real we had no children yet but were just going to start a family i thought it was all my fault and doing. How could he just out of the blue walk out of our lives and leave a house we just built on our own and a family dog that was like our child that was 8 months ago we are still not divorced yet he now lives with a new women and leads a totally different life than what we had. I have moved on and met someone else as well through friends who saw my pain. I couldnt help my husband and I couldnt force him to stay only to begrudge me later. I never got an apology or a sorry from him for all the crazy stuff and things he said. I too followed him while we were still living together only to find him with someone else than come home to want to want to work on things. I couldnt live like that i contacted him recently to proceed with a divorce he isnt coming back and even if he did it would never be the same. Dont get me wrong i am still in pain. Thanks for listening.

Comment #15 George (76.108.3.232) -

Wow I thought I was alone in this....

Most of you have described exactly what I have gone thru for the past four years. I only realized last year that something maybe wrong with my wife, because I started observing the yearly patterns in which these "fights" would occur. They all seem to occur in between late September and November and last until January. The second year it happened to me we had an argument by which no means would have caused the uproar it did... We separated bed rooms and slept apart for about 6 weeks without speaking very much to each other, only to address issues that concerned our children. I was working for the Government when I received a call from one of the investigators doing my security clearance to inform me that my wife had told him she had filed for divorce.. to say the very least I was left speechless. I called her and asked her why and all she could say was that I was a jerk and deserved it. In January of 2006 I asked her to reconsider and after a few weeks things started to shift back to normality and we continued. The entire summer of that year was normal, no fights or anything and then in November she hit me again that she wanted to divorce and could not deal with the relationship. This time we had no argument. Low and behold again in January of this year 2007, she came to me and said that we should work things out, that we were good together.... Again excellent year, we even bought a house which is currently under construction and have a ways to go before it is completed... NOW, this year she did it again 2 weeks ago, she came home one evening saying that she was moving out to her moms house with our children that she could not take it anymore. The trigger this year was a small argument that under any other circumstance would have been water under the bridge. I asked her about the house we purchased and she said that she did not care about the 20K we had put into it and that if we lost it we lost it.

I visited a therapist last week and was advised that she may have Seasonal Affective Disorder, Manic Depression, or Post Partum Depression. I was also advised that I should leave her alone and lay low until she comes out of this episode and then ask her to please come to the doctor.

To say the very least it is extremely difficult for me to deal with this because I dont know if she really wants a divorce and is not suffering from anything or if she is sick and needs help. I dont want to be in a state of denial either and would appreciate if anyone has any advice on how to move forward.

Thanks!

Comment #16 joe (71.233.198.236) -

I think my wife is bipolar 9years ago she wanted a divorce , didnt care about the kids was going yo meet the love of her life ect. she is doing it again our kids are grown up now and they say who is this women shes not our mother i dont know what to do i have moved out and the kids 17 to 24 arewith me last time a therapist didnt have a name for what was going on but said it would last3 to 4 months and go from manic to deppression it did its the same all over again right now im going through with the divorce i cant do this again it is destroying my kids relayionship with there mother is it bipolar? please help

Comment #17 ann lister (90.200.0.182) -

Hi

My husband is currently in a mental hospital with a manic episode. on 4th March 2008 he disappeared during the night, lifted all our money and even overdrew to the maximum allowed and flew to a far off island in the highland of scotland, UK

We live in the central area of scotland. He phoned a neighbour and asked them to tell me he was safe. I found out quite easily where he was as his first call to another friend was traced by the police. He gave most of our money away, started drinking and smoking (both he doesnt normally do) and lied constanty about many things. His mania became worse and eventually on the island he was sectioned and escorted back home to a nearby hospital.

He has left me penniless but still wants his ciggies, and all sorts of other items brought to him at visiting hour. I have lupus, we have two dogs which need a lot of exercise and I am left exhausted, broke, sad, angry, feeling deceived and unloved and very insecure. Meantime in the ward he is preaching the word - saying he has a calling and saying the devil is trying to get him. He is wearing a cross around his neck to ward off evil. He doesnt really want to hear about our money problems and I feel very resentful towards him. This is the second time he has done this in 6 years but the first time he didnt go so far away nor spend quite so much money but enough to knock us back quite a bit. I vowed I could never go through this again but here we are again.

Is it normal for me to almost hate him at the moment ?

Shouldnt i be more kind and understanding.

I dont want to hear his Godly advice after how he has treated me.

He doesnt see it that way saying it was something he had to do so he did it and the money will work out okay.

He wants me, even demands me to have a strong faith and to pray with him and for him and I refuse as I am so resentful towards him

Please advise me if this is normal because I do love him when he is normal but dont like him at the moment, its a different person

regards

ann from scotland

Comment #18 jen (98.240.86.1) -

I am living such a similar nightmare as you all describe. I love my husband of 3.5 years so very much but believe he is bi-polar with all my heart. He is so intelligent and "rational" he goes to great lengths to defend his normalicy but he has moved in and out at least 10 times in our short marriage. He filed for divorce and now the countdown is on and I am heartbroken. I believe he is in an episode, has been since November I think. What can I do? He thinks he is fine...at least he says he is fine and it is me with the problem but I have noticied his mood swings and constant denial that there is anything wrong with him. He is so impulsive and he starts every sentence with "Because You" when I ask any question. For months when I bring anything up about our separation or working on our marriage he screams at me, says horrible things to me about me (which I do not believe he really feels, just says to deflect from him) and then sometimes will start to cry...we always wind up in the same place though and I fear we will wind up divorced and I don't want that from the man I adore. I have 2 daughters nine and 11 and I have feared him being around them for their mental state (nothing physical - he would never harm them) and do think we are better off separated for now. I keep praying for his health and for him to realize he needs help...any advice??

Comment #19 Maskedhaven (207.5.206.67) -

Why am I constantly hearing about bi-polar marriages? Aren't there any people who have a somewhat socially sane mind-set who only have small quirks about them i.e. they have foot fetishes, but don't let that get in the way of their every day life..they can keep it in the house ;P.. You'd think I'd have a gf/be married by now with all the people talking about relationships they can't stand.. does it all boil down to money.. I need to rob some "suckas" is what someone with an in-balanced way of thinking would say, It sucks being poor! Why can't I have the crazy-ass behavior and be in a relationship instead of being fairly sane but poor and alone (/cry) I promise I won't disrespect your person and post you nude on the internet like so many other guys do...unless you want that.. but then I'd have to say there is probably something wrong with you..says that perv.

Comment #20 Anne (70.112.69.223) -

I've read through a number of messages posted and wanted to respond. I'm the bipolar problem in my marriage and I'm now facing my second divorce. The first one was a no-brainer: he had a harem outside our marriage and I finally got tired of it. This second divorce, however, was destined from the moment my second husband proposed to me. Did I love him? Yes. He'd been kind to me and my daughter (I was a single Mom on food stamps). Had he truly contributed enough to my life up to the point of the proposal, built a strong foundation for a lifetime relationship, to merit an answer of 'Yes!'? In fact, he had not and I should have told him 'No'. Or 'Maybe'.

My second husband caught me on a self-induced manic high. He admired my spirit and especially my ambition. I talked incessantly about making a million dollars and the means and the schemes to accomplish this. Did he have anything to contribute in the way of making this happen? Yes. He had the money to put up any small 'initial investments' that might be required. He also put up the money to pay for the divorce from my first husband and the money to get my front teeth fixed so I could get a job. Did he do all this out of love? Hard to say. Personally, I doubt it. He wasn't able to get an H1 Visa or a PR on his own. His dream was to make a million dollars - or - to get a job with an American company and make $100, 000.00 a year.

Getting the drift yet?

Because he met me when I was on a serious bipolar high, he thought I was the answer to all his dreams. Not his romantic dreams - the only thing he knew about what kind of woman he wanted was that she NOT be Taiwanese. He was acutely ashamed of me. He never even told his family overseas that we were married for more than a year after the event. They were really p.o.'d when they found out he'd married a white. And a single mother. We weathered it. He said he wanted me to teach him how to be 'American'. Once married, however, he was no longer helpful - he was demanding.

There was a constant insistance on making money. He agreed to any goal I set forth, as long as I was bringing significant money into the household. If I did or said something he disagreed with, he refused to speak to me for days or weeks on end. (He's currently hit a new record for this - he hasn't spoken to me in five months - unless, of course, the few times he wanted something.) In those early years, things were particularly difficult due to our relative poverty. I say relative, because we actually had money, we just didn't have money for anything I wanted (vacations, family, furniture, etc.), which would further exacerbate the bipolar because I was making a better than average income and so was he.

There have been fifteen intervening years now. The long and short of it is that my bipolar episodes and symptoms worsened as the relationship became more and more strained. His aggressive, abusive silences, would put me on an emotional rollercoaster that would either send me into orbit and onto the next 'great' idea or would devastate me and put me in bed for a number of days in the depths of black depression. To this day, he takes no responsibility nor does he acknowledge that his behavior in any way had an affect on our interpersonal communications or emotional upheavals.

In the fall of 2006, I finally became suicidal.

My husband didn't notice. In fact, my daughter had to take me to our GP for treatment. The only thing that was stopping me at that point, was that my husband was constantly working late and I didn't want my daughter to come home from school and be the one to find me. My GP asked questions, handed me a questionnaire and diagnosed me as bipolar II. She gave me a prescription for Lithium and had me on a dosage that made me sleep for three days. When I woke up, I was no longer suicidal but I was still depressed and mostly non-functional.

When I told my husband I had been suicidal he noted it, but seemed emotionally indifferent. He took no interest in the diagnosis nor in the treatment. He took no pains to find out more about it, or even to ask me how he could help. I descended into another black depression. Then I got angry.

I pushed myself into another manic high, started a new business (a solid one this time), with his blessing. In fact, he brought the business to my attention, knowing I'd jump at it. However, other than providing the inital investment ($1000.00), he did not otherwise support it. I'd been out of work for 6 months, had no money of my own, and had to endure him telling me what to do in order to 'make money' in the new business. When I told him that the medication for bipolar blunted the mania I usually used to run a business, his advice was not to take the medication. I went off the meds, and, after another fiery confrontation, he got me a credit card for the business with a high enough limit for about half a year. For the entire year of 2007, I was a late-diagnosed bipolar running around on one of the severest manic jags I've ever known, trying to 'make money' and blowing it at every turn. To top it all off, I've also been under severe stress concerning my parents: my mother has been the sole caretaker for my dad since he was diagnosed with Parkinson's and dementia several years ago. He's going down fast. I spent about 6 months of the year with them, helping her out and spending time with him. And still trying to work the business.

I kept getting snarky emails from my husband about the amount of money I was spending and the lack of money I'd made. So, I looked for and landed a job in NYC. He didn't want me to take the job because we'd then live apart in separate states, so he told me he'd give me $20k to run the business. By this time (late 2007), lack of medication, multiple high stressors and the inability to please him no matter what I did had caused me to have at least 2 psychotic breaks (my reality was real, but didn't match anyone else's reality at the time), and sent me into rapid cyclothemia (manic, depressed, mixed - often experienced within a 24 hour period). When my husband began his usual pattern of renegging on the $20k, two days after I'd refused the job, I spent more than four hours in the deepest darkest depression I'd ever experienced. I seriously contemplated suicide in the tub, but finding no razors within reach, I reverted to an enraged manic state instead. I spent time packing, getting myself good and worked up, then screamed at him for an hour, the invective laced with both truth and fantasy. When I stopped, waited for him to respond, he calmly got up from his chair, got an orange and proceeded to peel it and eat it without saying a word.

This is where the pattern finally broke. He'd cried when I packed to leave, saying only 'Don't leave.' Not 'What's wrong? What can I do?', etc. He did say he'd give me $1500.00 a month toward my business. That's an old ploy. I knew it would produce as much smoke as the $20k had. And that orange was the final straw. Who does something like that? I thought it was pretty obvious that I was in emotional pain. Even the elevator man asked me if I was okay and if he could get me a cab. My husband's parting shot was to tell me he loved me from the open door of the apartment. I didn't believe him.

But, once I got treatment and went back on Lithium, I began to wonder.

On March 18th, 2008, I woke up sane. If you've never had a mental illness, you probably can't imagine how it feels to suddenly know, to suddenly feel a complete and utter difference in how you view, react and relate to the world. I was different. For the first time in my life. That's a significant statement: for the first time in my life. Until that day, I was absolutely incapable of understanding that being bipolar had created a great deal of stress and chaos in my life. On medication, I could finally see it. And it wasn't entirely bad. The mania truly had allowed me to build a great deal, both financially and personally. The problem was, it wasn't sustainable: either the mania took a left turn and it was destroyed or the mania would fail at a critical juncture and a debilitating depression would destroy it through inaction. Could I have gotten it back, recovered from it? Sure. Even now I can say 'sure'. I'm sane, I'm on my meds and I'm taking life one day at a time - mostly.

Why the lengthy background? Because now I'm in a divorce. Not the one I demanded last winter, but the one my husband wants. He refuses to reconcile now that I'm on meds, in treatment and behaving myself. He's 'done'. He's convinced that I just want to stay married to him because I have no means of supporting myself at the moment and because he's now making that six-figure dream salary. He says I broke his heart leaving the apartment like I did. Of course, I reminded him that he'd thrown me out (along with my daughter) in 1999 and that we'd both done and said equally evil things to each other. His reply was that this was just the last straw for him. He went on to heap invective upon my head saying that I was the most selfish person he'd ever met and that he was convinced that my personality was my personality, regardless of the 'illness'. He rolled his eyes, derided my emotional pain and dismissed the disease as meaningless. His parting words were: "I gave up things that I shouldn't have just to marry you." When I questioned him on this comment, he refused to answer and left the room.

I went to bed pondering this statement. Yes, we've had a helluva ride in this marriage. Yes, I was an undiagnosed bipolar throughout it. Yes, I said things I shouldn't have. Yes, he said things he shouldn't have. There was only one thing that was absolutely irretrievable: I can't have children. He knew this before he married me. We discussed it at length. Even though I was manic when I met him, I was scrupulously honest. I did not want another divorce. During all the fourteen years of our marriage, we've come close to divorce four times. All four times he asked for a reconciliation. I aquiesed in good faith. Apparently, now that he has his money, his dream job, has his paperwork in for citizenship and has a rosey future ahead of him as an American, he doesn't need me anymore. If I was off my meds, I probably do something stupid.

Now, here's the kicker. After calling me the most selfish person he'd ever met along with other invective, he asked me to put together the divorce because he's 'never been through it and doesn't know how'. Story of my life with him: 'I hate you, I hate you, I hate you! Mommy make it better.' I haven't decided what I'm going to do yet. But, he won't be getting me off my meds. Suicide would make things far too easy for him.

I'm writing this for a number of reasons. First and foremost, is that, if I was in a manic or depressed state right now, I wouldn't be able to reason through his accusations of selfishness. I know I'm not selfish. I married him - a man with absolutely no prospects, no green card and no job experience - then gave him all of these things within the first two years of our marriage. He probably doesn't even remember that I negotiated his very first real job in this country at detriment to myself. He made more money than I did, because I'd had to agree to a lower salary in return for the owner of the business to 'take a chance on him'. A fact he conveniently forgot when he threw my sub-standard salary in my face during arguments over money. He also conveniently forgets the emotional support and encouragement he's received over the years.

I don't know: was I selfish when he drove me relentlessly, ruthlessly to make as much money as he did? Was I selfish when I actually acheived such an outrageous stipulation?

I went from $7/hr to $53k/yr in just three years. This was a case of mania in overdrive. He said I was selfish then, too. I was doing too much overtime and wasn't paying enough attention to him. In fact, the only person who suffered for it was my daughter. In trying to please him, she went without a mother. And, oftentimes, without dinner or other basic needs. If I wasn't home to take care of her, he simply wouldn't do it. He'd make himself dinner, but when I came home late and asked, he hadn't bothered to feed her.

I am concerned, sorry, guilt-ridden and regretful where my daughter is concerned. She's the one who forgave me first. Now, she's the one who watches me from the corner of her eye if I say or do something weird. She's a good kid and a great human being despite me. She's says because of me. I haven't been on the meds long enough to buy it yet.

I'm not worried about my husband. Life will knock him on his ass, eventually. My husband played my illness, rightly or wrongly, wittingly or unwittingly. (He used to pick an argument to get me kinetic enough to clean the house so he wouldn't have to help.) He thinks it makes him smarter than me. I don't know, maybe it does, although I can't see how. But, I guess the moral of this part of my story is to caution anyone who provokes a bipolar response (mania or depression) from their spouse, significant other, relative, friend, child, etc: Poking badgers is not safe. My husband caught on quick as to how to provoke my manic phases. It was deliberate and for his own ends, but he didn't know what exactly he was provoking. He was singed along the way but, ultimately, he got what he wanted out of it and now I'm going to pay the price. Regardless of what he thinks happened in our marriage, the fact is he manipulated my responses and drove me continuously and constantly to achieve his personal goals. When I finally broke, he blamed me.

In some ways, I just wanted to get this off my chest. In others, I wanted people to know that what you do or say to anyone with mental illness is not going to get filtered in a way you expect. Nor will you get a reaction that you would deem 'normal'. I don't know if my husband's reactions are 'normal'. Maybe they are. I only know how I, as a person with bipolar II, would respond. And my response wouldn't make sense to most people. In all likelihood, it would seem extreme. When my emotions are highjacked by the disease, my behavior becomes unpredictable. I take my meds to keep my behavior in check. Which is why being undecided is a unique and wonderful thing for me. Usually, I'm just always right (no matter how wrong I am). I hope this helps some of you understand where a human being with bipolar might be coming from. No matter how deliberate it seems, we really can't help what we're doing - we can only pay the consequences when it all goes wrong. Or when we can't see what's going on in the first place.

Comment #21 linda (69.158.165.207) -

on January 6th i had ask my husband to leave...because of his drinking....13 years ago my husband was diagnose bp and never went on medication...now at 44 years old ...i feel like it has worsen...as January 6th he has stop all comunication with me and has told me he has a woman in his life...he has very little communication with his kids....he has called me names and keeps on tell me we are done....fours years ago..he has done the same thing....but this time i do believe it is over....i am not wanting this at all...now i am suffering depression and feelling guilty that I ask him to leave.....I wish, I could turn back time...he has been gone for 4 months..and it has been a living hell....I love him and want him back

Comment #22 Claudia (63.112.241.195) -

I am really impressed with all I read!!!!,

My husbband was diagnostiqued with bbipolar disorder 2 years ago. Actuallly I am divorcing my husband. I am 34 years old we have two beautifull kids and been marry for 10 years and honestly it was too much. All what I read here help me so much. Some times I felt so guilty. My husband wanted to suicide one day and he said it was because of my fault, the next day he wants to leave me and the kids, the next day he is extremely jealous and persecuted me, and so many thing, and this are cicles that are even worse every time, he talked horrible things to otther people about me, he said that I am the one that make him sick that he is fine and has nothing.

Please pary for me as I will pray for all you and for my husband too, but I am so sure tha I am divorsing him and I thiks is the best.

Comment #23 Linda (67.70.110.71) -

hi

I have emailed back April...and wanting my husband back ...alot has happen since then....I have asked my hubby to leave on January 6....he had found someone else in January and then in March he moved in with her...went on a vacation with her to portugal to meet his family in May...and living with her as I email....I know this is not my husband....he loved me so much and couldn't do anything alone, always wanted me there with him...he use to sit in the bathroom with me while i had a bath...we use to go out everynight together and talk...until on January 6 ...his drinking got out of hand...i ask him to leave then he could get some help for his bi polar...exactly what happen 4 years ago.....He meet a woman who is my hairstyles and is living with her...he could never tell me if he is in love with her...or does he tell me he is happy...he says it is different...I have send our 15 year old son to live with him and 2 weeks later he send him back home ...saying he couldn't live him ...because it is his girlfriends house...we have 3 kids..and and our daughter doesn't want anything to do with him...my son loves his dad..and wanted to be with his dad...but he doesn.t want any part of him...he has been out of the childrens life since january and only has seen the kids 7 times...My husband has been diagnose 11 years with bi polar and never has been on meds...but I have found that his episodes are lasting longer....will he come back to me...or should I move on?....I still love him and believe this is his bi polar...

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