Manage 4 life I was diagnosed with BiPolar Disorder in my twenties. I am now in my early forties. I am also a Christian and was at the time of my diagnosis. It saddens me to hear people talk of cures and complete deliverance for BiPolar, especially church leadership and especially those who have never experienced it. BiPolar is a living Hell. I will always believe that God is able to deliver us completely. But listening to so many, He doesn't seem to tend to. I know in my case, He has not. What He has given me is the ability to manage it so well that people who did not know me way back when would not believe me if I told them I have it. My family members who have watched me go through it and now manage it have been strengthened in their faith and praise God for how he has blessed me. However, I still have episodes. You could be around me and not know it today even in the middle of an episode. During these times, I usually lighten my load considerably if I have taken on too much in terms of work. I make sure that I am eating properly. One of my greatest triggers is lack of sleep. During an episode I used to go days without eating and I got very little rest. I never allow this to happen anymore. I make sure to sleep well, even if I have to postpone work due by deadlines and reduce snack foods and make sure to eat meals and choose healthier snacks. However, this all sounds so simple. Like Abra-cadabra. It wasn't. i suffered for 18 years. It was a final suicide attempt where I should have died but did not. The doctors did not have much hope for my recovery. But when I came through it. My surgeon said no one but "God." i was 36 years old and tired of suffering and felt that I could neither be a mom nor a wife. By the time I had attempted suicide, I had experienced BP for 18 years and tried many things to stop including taking medication. In fact i had been on meds for 2 weeks at the time of my attempt. This particular medicine I forgot the name, but the first two weeks you are supposed to be monitored. A suicide attempt can be one of the side effects. But it was after surgery and hospitalization that I realized that BP really is a disorder and it didn't have anything to do with me and that I could not control it. It was an illness. Up to that point, I didn't believe the doctors or my family. I was in a body cast and trying to rest at home, when I felt the urge to make another attempt. I was flabbergasted, shocked, in disbelief that I could feel this way again. I got up and went downstairs to remove anything that had tempted me before to hurt myself. Here I was fighting it. I realized then that I had been fighting it all along and that when I would give in, these were weak moments. That every time, I tried to resist it, this was me fighting back. Before then, I thought I was this terrible person always making the wrong choices. That it was me and my personality somehow. But anyway, when I got to the bottom of the stairs, I heard a voice within which I believe to be God. He said. 'This disorder has tried to take your life. You are powerless over it in and of yourself(paraphrasing). I have to live this in you. You can do nothing of yourself. It is My battle not yours. You will never harm yourself again, for I will live this in you. That was 8 years ago. No medication. But I still definitely believe in medication for it. I am also open to it as I get older as my body changes and what worked before may not continue working. So I would NEVER tell anyone to go off their meds, especially if it is working. Its just that for me, the meds always seemed to come with other ridiculous side effects and I never felt like myself. Once, I even seizured. That was on Geodon which the doctor was convinced I needed. That from my understanding is not an Anti-depressant. I have struggled at times because like I said I still have episodes but you would not know it. The frequency has decreased. I am more vulnerable when I am under stress or going through a particularly challenging time. But overall, I have learned to manage with the help of God. But though, my ability to manage seemed to come in one enlightening moment, it did not. 18 years of suffering gives you wisdom, not just knowledge. I learned to apply the wisdom I had gained from all those years of trial and error. Wisdom that I can't even articulate. Some of it is intuitive and subconscious. But i definitely began to use my years of experience. And crawling became a walk, then a walk became a run. I even seemed and seem to fly at times. Next, I want to dance! So, no. I am not "delivered" in the complete sense. My episodes are just as severe in feeling as when I first suffered from them. Sometimes so severe that all I can do is wait for it to pass like a sever migraine headache. I lose my ability to concentrate and everything. But i simply make sure to rest and eat right. Sometimes rest is all that I can do. Also, being a reticent person before, talking has helped me significantly. I talk to those who are close and know about my condition. I usually do not say I am having an attack, but I ask their advice on things and I talk and put myself around others to keep from losing my ability to rationalize and to keep myself believing in reality and not imagining crazy things. However, once in a while, it seems it is better not be be around others. And I close my door and rest alone. I continue to pray and ask God for help no matter what. But i don't fret over it or pray myself into a frenzy like I used to. Then there are times I can not pray at all. I believe God understands this. Sorry for the Book. This is the first time that I have ever shared my story. Hope it helps someone. | 
