'Confused Wife of BPD Husband'

CATHY from SUNSHINE STATE -

Five months ago my Husband of 5 years told me that he was leaving me for "the love of his life". This is a woman from the past who he was engaged to, this woman cheated on him, and belittled him. He said he has been talking to her and that she felt the same about him. She was engaged and was breaking off the engagement.

Four months prior to this, my husband blew up at me over my concerns about him having overdraft charges. His anger esclated to the point that he asked me for a divorce. I was crushed. The next day, he changed his mind and told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, God's gift to him, he loved me dearly and wanted this relationship to work. He said he "Snapped". He would get anger management counseling.

My husband very excited, asked me to let him go. His behavior was confusing. He moved out and at given times in the middle of the night, he would show up. He became very hypersexual. Wanting sex all the time. This was not normal for him. He also started seeing this other woman and they began their affair. He started spending lots of money that he could not account for.

Some background about him. He was an abused child in a family where his mother was a rager. His father was an alcoholic and divorced when my husband was 10. My husband learned to cope with the abuse in the home by going into his room and drawing. Art became his world, his escape from the abuse.

When he left this time, he said he needed time alone to paint. He had urges to paint and could not in our house. This has happened in the past where he would get depressed and then suddenly he would have this urge to paint. The need to paint I understood.

I dont understand the affair because he had been cheated on by every other woman that he has been with. We discussed multiple times the hurt that it caused him and I was always careful not to ever give him a reason to mistrust me in that area. He felt the same way. So how does he change like this?

I was concerned about his behavior and started doing some research. I read several books on BPD and encouraged him to go see the Psychiatrist that Dx him with ADHD and talk to him. He agreed and saw the DR. In the Dr's office he filled out a form on mania and checked "yes" to everything. On the depression form he checked "yes" to almost everything. The Dr. diagnosed him with BPD, ADHD, and anxiety. Prescribed him with Depakote. Told him a little about BPD, said he should get counseling. It was somewhat of a relief hearing this news. My husband was upset.

Well, that was 3 months ago and still my husband is not taking the Depakote and refused to admit he has any problem. He is continuing the path of divoricing me, however, he has not filed for divorce.

He seems so rational sometimes and other times he seems so irrational in his thinking. Not so much his behavior right now. But his thinking. So much does not make sense. So this confuses me as to how severe his BPD is. Will it get worse? What is the progression with this disease. I dont want a divorce. We have a business and home. Is there anything that I can do?

Comment #1 paula from midwest, usa -

Hi Cathy,

WOW! Have you had an enormous amount of change in the past few months! And you asked a lot of questions in your post that are probably better answered via email than in this venue, however, given the fact that this IS a bipolar discussion board, let me just say that for the 10 years I've been in the counseling business, the ratio of BPD clients who divorce and that of other clients is about 3 to 1.

I find it AMAZING however that it is almost always the Bipolar Disordered person filing for the divorce, when it is clearly the spouse that has taken the greatest amount of the abuse over the years. Yours has been a rough and rocky road...and, without medication and a network of support, your husband is likely to continue in these self destructive cycles...if you want things to change SOMEONE has got to do something different!

The hard part is that the non BPD person remembers the calm and "up" times shared amidst the chaos...that always makes letting go that much tougher.

I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers...there IS life after BPD, truly there is!

Blessings,

Paula

Comment #2 Ned (63.176.159.85) -

It must be very difficult to live with someone who needs help and obviosly won't admit it. Although if he is that out of control it might be best for you guys to be seperated even though that might sound cold hearted.

Comment #3 Kelly (63.176.159.169) -

You are one brave and a martyr to keep up with a blasphemous sicko like him. Definitely you deserve better rather than your that man. In other countries, if a man caught a woman having an affair with someone, it usually would result to catastrophes (includes lawsuit, vengeance, or murder) but you didn't do that. You kept up with him too long. When will you draw the line? If he start hitting you? or if he brings his "other woman" with you? or he finally snaps and go wacko over you. Impose and give him an option... "treatment or me leaving you?" Be sure to ask him his when he is in the right state of mind not unless you want your story turns into a slasher film, and believe me you don't want to be slashed.

Comment #4 Lacey (63.176.159.59) -

First off you have to be one strong woman to put up with all that. And as far as your husband, I think he needs some professional help and needs to go see a doctor. With him gone tho, you do not need to worry about him spending money that you do not have. My advice to you, is to keep your head up and continue going on with your life, and if its meant to be, it will work out. let God take control now.

Comment #5 Jenny (63.176.159.166) -

I think that his BPD might jut be a little more severe than you may tink due to the statements that you made. I would ask him to go and see his doctor again and explain to the doctor the way he is.

Comment #6 Heather (63.176.159.210) -

This sounds like a horrible situation. Is BPD considered a disease?

Comment #7 Jennifer (63.176.159.243) -

Sounds like this is alot of personal information to be putting out here on the interent, but I do not think any advice you get from a stranger is going to save or help your marriage, I would try counseling or sitting down and talking to one another, and if it is meant to be, than it will be and everything will work itself out.

Comment #8 Julie (63.176.159.238) -

All I can say is that it was not meant to be, and if it was or is, than things will work out. You learned from this relationship and it was also a growing process. Everything happens for a reason and the person your meant to be with, will come along. Don't give up, keep believing in yourself, and have hope and just know that God is with you each step of the way.

Comment #9 Jodi (63.176.159.236) -

Cathy, how did things work out for you? Did you get the divorce or did you work things out and end up fixing your problems?

Comment #10 Zita (63.176.159.190) -

Please let us be cautious on what we post on the net. Some people might use our own informations against us. For problems like that, it is best talked with health professionals. Here is what I searched about BPD.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a psychiatric diagnosis in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV Personality Disorders 301.83) that describes a prolonged disturbance of personality function characterized by depth and variability of moods. The disorder typically involves unusual levels of instability in mood; "black and white" thinking, or "splitting"; chaotic and unstable interpersonal relationships, self-image, identity, and behavior; as well as a disturbance in the individual's sense of self. In extreme cases, this disturbance in the sense of self can lead to periods of dissociation. These disturbances can have a pervasive negative impact on many or all of the psychosocial facets of life. This includes difficulties maintaining relationships in work, home and social settings. Attempted suicide and completed suicide are possible outcomes, especially without proper care and effective therapy.

Comment #11 Chester of the Cat Alley (63.176.159.7) -

Good gracious, what have you gotten yourself into Cathy. Haven't you known this side of his life when you are still dating? How have you deal with his erratic mood swings this past few years? Are you sure that there is no outside factor that constituted in the progress of the development of his Bipolar Disorder? If it comes to a point that he starts hurting you or your children then I really think it is time to let go.

Comment #12 Jerome (63.176.159.77) -

Living well with bipolar disorder requires certain adjustments. Like recovering alcoholics who avoid drinking or diabetics who take insulin, if you have bipolar disorder, it’s important to make healthy choices for yourself. Making these healthy choices will help you keep your symptoms under control, minimize mood episodes, and take control of your life.

Managing bipolar disorder starts with proper treatment, including medication and therapy. But there is so much more you can do to help yourself on a day-to-day basis. The daily decisions you make influence the course of your illness: whether your symptoms get better or worse; whether you stay well or experience a relapse; and how quickly you rebound from a mood episode.

• www.helpguide.org/mental/bipolar_disorder_self_help.htm

Comment #13 Lucas (63.176.159.86) -

Hi Heather hope this info answers your questions:

If you or someone you know regularly shows at least 5 of the following points, it is possible that he / she has this disorder

* Relationship problems

* Inability to manage their emotions

* Sudden, intense rapid or frequent mood changes

* Anxiety

* Love - Hate relationships. Viewing others by extremes - All good / All bad without nuance, black and white thinking

* Feeling " victimised ", unable to accept responsability for themselves

* Feeling depressed, sad or empty

* Frequent and or unpredictable outbursts of anger (whether acted-out or not)

* Unstable self image

* Fear of abandonment

* Impulsive self destructive behaviors with addictions like Bulimia, Unsafe sex, Anorexia, Spending, Alcohol, Road rage, Drug or Medication abuse, …

* Rage attacks

* Suicide attempts or self-injury such as cutting, burning, scratching, ...

With this kind of behaviors I believe BPD is a serious disease indeed..

Comment #14 Will Brown (63.176.159.34) -

Some people may just be psychotic...only a professional can detect the difference. BPD is a "personality" disorder, but the people who suffer from it are still usually "this side" of the psychotic spectrum. There is still no breakdown of reality. If there IS a breakdown then we are on the other side, "psychosis", which is extremely severe and a whole different ball game. Some of the cases described seem to me to have elements of psychosis: schizophrenia of several types, paranoia, etc. When we loose contact with the ill person and don´t recognize the reality of what they are saying, then we have a clue that it may be worse than expected. Cheers!

• Psychosis

Comment #15 Natascha (63.176.159.53) -

Well Cathy, you're a brave woman!

I understand you coming here with your situation, I'm sure that you've talked to professionals, family and friends about it. Sometimes it's helpful just to get some input from "strangers", people not involved in any way. They can see a situation from a neutral point of view.

I think Cathy, follow your inner voice if you really want to continue with your husband. Are you suffering too much for too long? I know that it's important to support your loved ones, but in the end this is YOUR life too. Ruining your life totally is not the answer either. What's good for YOU? Take responsibility for YOUR happiness and well being , too, not only his. You have to take active decisions, not just let it go on and on.

Good luck, all the best to you!

Comment #16 moy (63.176.159.251) -

I agree with what most people have said in the previous posts. It may look or seem obvious to a stranger that all the signs are before you and what you need to do is just park and leave.

It is understandable that you really feel like leaving but then a few things are serving to restrain you. I agree with Natascha, it is time you just charted a new life, one in which you will not be anxious about what would happen next.

Begin with your inner self. Follow your heart

Comment #17 cwemoy (63.176.159.236) -

I think it is really clear that your input in making your husband a better person is not being felt, let alone appreciated. It would be unfair to say that this should be an easy decision to handle. I must admit that you are a fighter.

The business at home or other commitments that mean a lot to both of you seem to be the restraining factor(s). If you are really suffering, it would be wise to move out.

Comment #18 Jesira (63.176.159.184) -

That is what you Americans get with not properly knowing first the person you'll spend your whole life with. One or two months is not enough to completely know a person, or worst immediately marry one. That is why Asian families tends to stay longer and avoid having a broken one, it is because that Asians seems to take relationships slowly rather than Americans who immediately jumps to bed with the man they just met at a bar.

Comment #19 Wency (63.176.159.28) -

That was too rude of you Jesira.. Not all Americans are like that. There are still some American women that are reserved and not that easy to get.

And i have to say that not all Asian ladies are like that too, some are s i must say. Trading their selves for a certain amount of money.

But i have to agree that to know a person well, you must first spend lots of time with him.

Comment #20 Eve (63.176.159.155) -

The Sunshine State! I had only been to the sunny Florida. I know that some people also consider here to be the sunshine state, but California, is the real sunshine state, no doubt about it. Also, no doubt, there is always drama in Cali!

Comment #21 Remi (63.176.159.62) -

There certainly are lots of things a couple should consider to be able to have a loving and very understanding husband. I think if only you knew that your husband suffers from this kind of disease, you should have not married him at all.

There are lots of 'if onlys' in our life. If we choose the right path to happiness then everything will be alright. But anyway, good uck to you and your husband.

Comment #22 Baret (63.176.159.220) -

You have a point Remi however, being his other half, you as his wife must be the very first to understand what he going through. And it does not only ends there, you should also be the one to take care of him and make him feel that he is not alone in his fight over his disease.

i also have to say that what is needed is some patience and real understanding over the matter.

Comment #23 Lucy (109.111.97.78) -

The fact that your husband is being abusive and that he is not treating you well as a wife and also as a person would be the very reasons for you to get out of the relationship as soon as possible. I have nothing against anyone, but in my opinion, I think if you cannot take it anymore, then you have to end it :) Have a great day guys.

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