| Cause Suicide is PainlessI feel like a drug addict with no twelve step program. No, I dont do drugs, but it feels like BiPolar is a drug by itself. It's like having a little invisible pouch on the back of my neck that randomly injects a drug to make me manic. It becomes so hard to control myself. I have to pause and analyze everything I say before I say it, so I can filter and make it sound normal. As the mania gets worse, I start to think anything is possible, and ideas... oh the ideas, they race in packs through my head, and half of them dont make any sense at all. These senseless racing thoughts, as far as I'm concerned, they're just another way to define insanity. I want you to really understand how I feel, and then I'm going to ask for your help / advice / anything you have to offer. So just bear with me for a bit, and imagine being on a high dose of drugs, say meth, (or just really manic if you know what it feels like) and then trying to cope with people in business, and in everyday life. Sure, it is possible and I've found a way to do it, it's not fool proof, but I just pretend I dont feel the mania. I try to mimic what others do, their temperament, their mood, their pace in speaking -- I can fake all that. And it's works just fine for casual interactions, but the second you bring deep emotions into the mix... now those are hard to fake. Perhaps impossible. Jump to a few nights ago, when I'm sitting next to this girl I've been dating who I just slept with the night before. The only difference is tonight I'm manic again. I've been stripped of any logical emotions which have been replaced with illogical feelings that don't make any sense. Feelings that just sabatague the moment all together. So I do my best, but I just keep ing up. I'm not charming tonight. Instead I'm dull, boring, and trying my best to not to be manic and just be normal! Needless to say, even though I went all the way with this girl before, I'm pretty sure I wont see her again after that night. And this seems to be the story of my life. Only it gets worse. The next couple days I'm back to normal. Back at work, I meet with the CEO and board of a National Steel Fabricating Company, and I present to all of them a new marketing strategy I've worked out. They love it. The CEO wants me to start as soon as possible. I tell him it'l take me a good full day of work to sort things out, but I should be able to get things ready by Friday. I shake his hand and leave. As I walk out the door I think to myself, "Yes, I'm da . I'm 21, with my own business, and already my clients are some of the largest companies in the United States." Only, now remember that little invisible bag filled with "manic drugs" that haunted me before. Well it's back, only now it contains depressants, which start flowing through my veigns the next morning and wont stop for days. Depression never goes away as quickly as mania. I feel horrible, so bad in fact I cant do anything but lay in bed. Three days later I'm still there, from Tuesday to Thursday, I'm only getting up to piss, , and eat as needed. I feel like dying, and when I get up to do something it feels impossible. I sit at my computer and try to work, but my mind is dead. This type of inefficieny feels like chopping down an oak tree with a butter knife. So I only end up more depressed, staring at the keyboard, failing at the one thing I'm good at. Times like these I'll try anything get out of this horrid depression. I've tried stimulents like Adderall, Ritalin, Concerta, and others I cant remember. But that doesn't work either, most times it makes it worse. I end up in bed, shaking and eat nothing all day. So now Friday has come around and I'm starting to feel better, my meeting is coming up but I have nothing done. I'm picturing myself telling this CEO, who drives to work each day before 8, religiously keeps and follows a daily schedule to the minute, and manages over 50 other employees in three separate fabricating locations, that well... "I'm sorry, but I was very depressed and just layed in bed, so I didn't get anything done." Yeah right, like that would ever fly. So I bite the bullet and lie, I tell him "something came up, family issues, and I'll have to reschedule". I can tell I annoyed him with this, but these things do happen, so really it's not that big of a deal. That is, not until it happens again anyways... and what will I say then? Honestly, now I feel like a worthless ing liar. And of course this isnt the first time it's happened. This pattern reoccurs over and over and over again. My parents sent me to NA (Narcotics Anonymous) in high school after they caught me taking lortabs. I was just experimenting, but they wanted me to see what NA was like. The stories they told, they sounded a lot like the one I'm telling now. So I wonder, where is my twelve step program? Where is my bipolar support group? Later on, I decide maybe there's hope. Maybe I just haven't tried the right medication. Something that could really get rid of all this and "normalize" me. So I drive to see my psychiatrist. I never have to schedule an appointment with her since I'm her Technical Consultant and we sort of trade services. I'm walking in to her office thinking, she doing a good job of pretending to care, she sees me for all of five miniutes, while I explain how the last drug has done nothing after two months. How things are only getting worse, and I'm getting fits of senseless anger for no reason at all. I feel a huge amount of rage that last only an hour or so, but its bad enough to scare even me. I tell her how last time I had this rage, the microwave wasnt heating my food fast enough, the seconds were going by too slow. And this, of all things, killed me. So I put my fist through it and smashed it against the ground for 10 minutes till my hands were bloddy and the rage subsided. And here's the thing, I've never been an angry person, so why is this happening? Why are my emotions out of control, and why does everything seem to be getting worse? She says "Lets try Depakote and see how that works. When you feel the rage coming on, take 5mg of Valium, " and hands me a prescription. I hope it works, but to me it feels like an endless cycle of "new drugs". Drugs I'll have to pay for, then I'll get minimal results and lots of side effects. I feel like my shrink is just shooting in the dark with these medications, and I'm about ready to call it quits and swallow a bottle of opiates. Then at least they'll be no pain. No living in fear of how I'll wake up tomorrow. No lies, no frustrations, no constantly trying for something, and either failing or giving up because of this disorder in my head.... It'l just be dead calm from then on, as far as the eye can see. Forever and ever. But of course, during our sessions, I cant tell her how bad it is. The suicide thoughts I mean. I'd like her input, although I doubt it would help, but really I'm scared to bring it up. And it's not because I dont trust her, I do, I know she's a good person and a good doctor, but she has a legal obligation to report this type of stuff, and who knows where that would put me. Probably back into the mental hospital I was in three years ago. Only, the week I spent there was enough to know I never want to go back again. So there's a quick summary of my recent life. Ever since I was diagnosed with Bi Polar, I thought it would be just another something to fix in life. A hurdle to jump. Something that I could overcome if I just worked hard enough, or in the worst case, something that I'd grow out of once I reached adulthood. But I no longer feel that way. I feel closed in, and I cant find a way out. I've tried too many different medications. I've tried therapy. I've even tried buying books on BPD to try and find a solution, only the books seem to concentrate on how to make the diagnosis, and vaguely cover the cures. I've spent three years and over ten thousand dollars fighting this and I'm not much better off that I was before. I'm growing very tired and I'm about ready to give up. I'm ready to stop wasting my life in this constant struggle against the BPD. It's pointless, and it's become a loosing battle, because when I fight against myself no matter who wins, I still lose. And to take it one step further, even if I do win and accomplish my goals, what do I have to look forward to? Being married with kids, and successful, and horribly depressed. Another bad father, and a bad example to my own kids. I'd rather just end it now while I still can and prevent all that. I didn't plan on writing all of this, but I'm glad I did. I'm desperate at this point. I dont know where else to turn for help. I'm on my last thread before pulling the trigger. Spending half my days in bed, and having random bursts of uncontrolable irrational emotions that have turned my life into a hell. I really think life is the most incredible thing we'll ever have, but not like this. Not when everything I work for will get taken away or ruined, and starting a family, or even having a healthy realtionship is an imposibility. Thanks for listening to me rant. Any good advice or help would mean the world to me. Especially if you've personally experienced and overcome something similar. - Adam Celine |
