'Bi Polar Marriage/Divorce'

Mark (216.170.10.130) -

Today is my wedding anniversary--14 years. My wife was diagnonsed three years ago with cyclothymia and clinical depression. She is taking Effexor, Topomax, Trileptal, and Klonopin. She was seeing the psychiatrist about quarterly for an hour to get med prescriptions refilled.

About three weeks ago we did a family intervention. The result is she agreed to see another psychiatrist for a second opinion on the meds. This practice believes in meds plus counseling/talk therapy which would be a huge step--if she will agree. We are also trying to get her to the Mayo Health Clinic for a full medical and psych evaluation.

In the interim, she is bound and determined to get a divorce. I suspect papers to be served in the next week or two. We have two children and I hate the thought of breaking up our family. She is in the denial/bargaining phase witht the illness.

For the time being, I am simply trying to be her friend and am seeing a psychologist once a week to help me deal with the situation. While I know there are not any magic answers, any help or feedback would be appreciated.

Comment #1 Dr. Doug (200.91.169.133) -

Hi Mark,

It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Cyclothymia and Major Depression, with the mood changes, unexpected anger, crying, problems with sleeping and eating are all very difficult on all family members. I agree with your new counseling center when they say there needs to be talk therapy. Some of it should be private (i.e. your wife and her therapist) but you should consider the possibility of family therapy to help everyone in the family to understand the nature of the mental illness your wife has and how to best help her cope with her symptoms.

Medication helps the patient control, and sometimes mask the symptoms. That is where talk therapy comes in. This combination, a type of Bi-Polar Disorder, is very treatable. As to the divorce, this may be something that the counseling can also resolve, at least it is worth the effort. You obviously can't prevent her from filing for divorce if she chooses, however, if she sees that solutions are available to your problems, she may be willing to work on your mutual 14 year investment in each other.

Warmest Regards,

DR. Doug

Comment #2 Fred (68.9.156.54) -

I don't have much in the way of help except to let you know that there are other people (myself) who are dealing with the same situation. My wife has had two psychotic breaks during our 14 yr. marriage (one child 13 yrs. old). The 1st in 1999 and the other just last May. She also had one when she was 20 yrs. old before I ever met her. All three required hospitalization. The psychiatrists finally diagnosed her as having Bipolar I accompanied with delusional thinking. She has been on 300 mg of Serequol. It has brought her mania under control but sometimes I still think her judgement is still abit delusional. I love her very much and want to help her but she too is dead set on getting a divorce and filed just last week. She believes that it is me and the marriage that have made her ill. She also does not belive she is bipolar. She's been living in a seperate bedroom for the last six months. Over this time I have done everything from confess my undying love for her to giving her miles of space. She keeps telling me there is nothing I can do to change her mind. I finally think that my marriage and the years of investment with her are going to be a tragic loss to this disease (P.S. She also believes in her heart that I have been unfaithful to her. Another paranoid delusion. I would never cheat on my wife. This illness sucks!!

Comment #3 Jon from AZ (Contact Member) -

Fred, The pain is almost unbearable isn' it?

Reality says you have no control and that you should let it go but the love in your heart says there's always a chance. Your mind has told you over the years that there are always options.

Get down on your knees and submit to your creator for help; he will not disapoint. Trust your God not this BS disease.

God Bless You,

Jon

Comment #4 Ethan (63.176.159.40) -

I think if you keep looking you will find someone to spend the resty of your life with.

Comment #5 Jaycee (63.176.159.177) -

I think Ethan also needs a shrink here. I agree more to what John from AZ said.

Just keep on hoping that someday it will end and be there for her at all times, no matter what happens to both of you. Be more understanding as you have you did in the past 14 years.

Comment #6 tom (63.176.159.152) -

I would continue seeing a psychologistand and trying to be her friend. My best wishes for your marraige.

Comment #7 Sara (63.176.159.149) -

These are sad situations, I don't know what I would do if love wasn't enough to convince someone that you should be together. As Tom and Jaycee said just be there for her at all time and be her friend if nothing else. Good luck!

Comment #8 Whitney (63.176.159.115) -

Bipolar is something that is serious, and it effects more people than you think and there is a lot of help out there for someone who suffers from it. Once you talk to someone about it and get medicine for it, I am sure things will work out and fall into place for you.

Comment #9 Eli (63.176.159.11) -

Whitney it sounds easier then it is for things to simply work out and fall into place.

Comment #10 Autumn (63.176.159.15) -

Okay first off Mark, do you only not want to break up your family, or do you love your wife, and are in love with her, to get marriage counseling and try and work things out. I also think the reason she probably wants to get a divorce is, obviously she is not happy with herself at all, and if she is not happy with herself, than how could she possibly make anyone else happy?

Comment #11 Summer (63.176.159.184) -

I disagree with Autumn, Mark's wife as he said is suffering from a disease. That is why his wife needs Mark more than ever. Mark's wife because she is sick might be confused right now so the outcome is she may not be sure of her self right now, and the divorce thing might be one of her unsure decision. It is Mark's patience and love for her and his family that she needs.

Comment #12 zamir tarmu (79.177.252.101) -

after 6 years of the most perfect, loving marriage I could ever wish for my wife left to another man like a bull crashing through the barn door. There was absolutely nothing I could do or say. nothing what so ever. I loved her, I gave her more of myself then I had given to any other person in my entire life. we loved each other. a couple of months later she was diagnosed as bipolar. I could do nothing to bring her back. she left a year ago and the pain is as it was yesterday. I have no advise. I don't know anything. all the studying and reading is of no use. They have a mind of their own and we are not in it.

• bipolar wife leaves

Comment #13 Majo (63.176.159.56) -

How do we know if it is really bipolar?

Bipolar disorder is a condition in which people experience abnormally elevated (manic or hypomanic) and abnormally depressed states for a period of time in a way that interferes with functioning. It is equally prevalent in men and women, and is found across all cultures and ethnic groups. Not everyone's symptoms are the same, and there is no blood test to confirm the disorder. Scientists believe that bipolar disorder may be caused by chemical imbalances in the brain. Bipolar disorder can appear to be unipolar depression. Diagnosing bipolar disorder is difficult, even for mental health professionals. What distinguishes bipolar disorder from unipolar depression is that the affected person jumps between states of mania and depression. Often bipolar is inconsistent among patients because some people feel depressed more often than not and experience little mania whereas others may predominantly experience manic symptom.

Comment #14 Dr. Jack (63.176.159.82) -

Hi!

Terrible stuff! One of the most painful experiences we can go through in life is the mental illness of a loved one. If we see life as a period in which things "happen", of all sorts, and NOT just good things or ones we like, we can get into a sort of mental strategy that will enable us to stop suffering so much. I am talking about ACCEPTANCE. Not PASSIVE acceptance while feeling sorry for myself, by active ACCEPTANCE of the type of recognizing God´s will, or Karma´s manifestations. After that step, the rest is dealing with the situation without letting it affect or harm me OR my loved ones.

In other words: THINGS HAPPEN but they don´t necessarily happen to ME...

Deal with them and let them go.

Best regards,

Jack

Comment #15 pale_o from around the world (63.176.159.178) -

This whole bipolar topic seem to be a little confusing. Who then takes the blame? Without knowing the root cause of the whole problem, is there a chance that any real solution will be found soon?

I would like to believe your wife has issues with the whole marriage thing and seems decided on getting a divorce; the fact that you insist on the whole union remaining intact seem to be worsening an otherwise volatile issue.

Comment #16 Kristina Campbell (62.200.20.13) -

Pale_o from around the world:

There is a 90% that bipolar is genetic and it is not curable, but controlable with medications and therapy. Depending on when his wife was diagnosed and how many episodes she has had over the years will determine how "well" she can become.

There is no blood test. Some doctors may ask half the questions and give a bad diagnosis prescribe medication that makes the illness worse.

Bipolar is irrated badly by disturbed sleep patterns and stress. When a person is in the manic phase they are unreasonable, nearly another person all together. When they are in the Depressed phase, everything is someone elses fault.

Mark- please do not take the blame for your wifes mental ill health. She needs help as it sounds as if she is in an episode, and may have gone off her meds. Most bipolar people will stop taking them once they feel better, throwing themselves into darkness again and again.

My husband is bipolar and I live this everyday. I came to this board looking for support and understanding from people who live with it as well...I dont think this is the place for me as I am not seeing anyone who seems to have a clue.

Best of luck to you.

Kris- United Kingdom

Comment #17 Shirloin (63.176.159.170) -

Like any serious illness, bipolar disorder creates problems for family members and friends. Living with someone who experiences extreme, uncontrollable mood swings can be highly stressful and a source of misunderstandings and confrontations.

It is important to remember that these feelings of hopelessness and depression are neither rational nor under the sufferers’ control: they cannot simply “snap out of it”. Try to be patient and understanding and remember that your support is crucial, even if it does not appear to be appreciated at the time.

• www.patienthealthinternational.com/bipolar-disorder/feature-articles/

Comment #18 Mark (40.0.40.10) -

My wife has been diagnosed with bi polar typeII. I swear there are times when I am pretty sure that I am cracking up. The rapid cycling, the severe depression, the overt anger, the manipulation...Walking on egg shells is getting really old. I have my own health issues as well and they do not do well with stress. Everything seems to be able to be blamed on my own selfishness for not responding properly to her conditions day to day. I love her, but I just never know what is going to happen next, and what bedroom I will be sleeping in. I am selfish with intamicy (sex) because I guess I only want to do certain things, but it never happens anymore anyway with the constant ups and downs. She is supposed to be going to the best Doctor in town, but she self diagnoses and self medicates, even when I put her meds out for her. I guess I am just tired. I don't know what to do next, divorce or fight to keep this cycle of madness.

Comment #19 moy (63.176.159.23) -

Really helpful information Campbell. It seems that it is a disorder that comes along with other complications. I read a thin line between diagnosis and misdiagnosis because the case is that it is possible to get different views from as many physicians.

In that case, aren't there any bipolar specialties around?

It is sad reading a majority of these stories especially when a person has gone to great lengths to be of real help but is not being appreciated.

Comment #20 Lovie (63.176.159.44) -

There certainly are specialists for this kind of disease. You just have to seek for them nicely.

Here are some more info regarding the disease

Varying moods and energy levels have been a part of the human experience since time immemorial. The words "depression" (previously "melancholia") and "mania" have their etymologies in Ancient Greek. The word melancholia is derived from ‘melas’, meaning black, and ‘chole’, meaning bile, indicative of the term’s origins in pre-Hippocratic humoral theories. Within the humoral theories, mania was viewed as arising from an excess of yellow bile, or a mixture of black and yellow bile. The linguistic origins of mania, however, are not so clear-cut. Several etymologies are proposed by the Roman physician Caelius Aurelianus, including the Greek word ‘ania’, meaning to produce great mental anguish, and ‘manos’, meaning relaxed or loose, which would contextually approximate to an excessive relaxing of the mind or soul (Angst and Marneros 2001). There are at least five other candidates, and part of the confusion surrounding the exact etymology of the word mania is its varied usage in the pre-Hippocratic poetry and mythologies (Angst and Marneros 2001).

• en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_bipolar_disorder

Comment #21 Linda (66.82.9.74) -

I stumbled on this page because I am still trying to come to terms with my recent divorce from my Bi Polar husband. It was the third time he left me and filed costing a total of $8000. in lawyer fees. I spent 9 yrs of my life trying to "fix him" I went with him to all of his appointments, helped with meds etc. The meds have changed numerous times, for one reason or another they would have to be changed and you'd be back to square one. I have dealt with fear (I came home to him hiding in a closet with a gun..paranoia) uncertainty (I came home twice to find he had people come to the house and had EVERYTHING packed up he was moving out because I wouldn't let him buy something or other). The debt he created and I created trying to keep him happy was enourmous. My relationships with my family and friends suffered because his needs were all consuming. I look and feel 20 yrs older than when I met him. Even though at times I still torture myself with worry...is he ok by himself...what could I have done more, better, longer, harder. I have come to the understanding a Bi Polar person will do as they want, you can't fix anything. In their mind what they do is rational and important to them. They can't co-operated because it doesn't make sense to them. My Ex is now on the internet dating sites..6 of them looking for women. I feel bad because like me they will at first only see a fun, energetic, loving person. He will not tell them about his condition. In conclusion I feel sometimes it is best to save yourself and your family. Move on it is painful but the mentaly healthy deserve a full and happpy life also.

Comment #22 Jane (63.176.159.170) -

Mark certainly has a problem here. Wouldn´t want to go through that! I think you have all the right answers, certainly a good

psychiatrist and the Mayo Clinic are the correct course of action. However, we must keep in mind, as others have said, that your wife is still an independent human being and can make her own decisions. I don´t think I saw you state the reasons she gives for the divorce. It would be interesting to analyse these reasons and see where she is coming from.

I wish you the best. Keep trying, there is still in there somewhere somebody that you can connect to.

Comment #23 Eve (63.176.159.188) -

Bipolar issues leading to divorce is something that I cannot really speak much on as I am not very much familiar with it, at all.

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