'My husband has depression and PTSD, filing divorce.'

Angie from California. -

Hello everyone, i will make this as short as possible.

my husband is a two time Iraq war veteran, we married about 6 months after his first deployment, then 6 months later found out he was leaving again and that i was pregnant. i moved back home to have support during the time he was gone, while he was over there, things were great, our email conversations were wonderful and loving!

when he came home, he met his son for the first time, and reunited with my daughter whom he has raised as his own. we were all very happy, and about two weeks after he returned, things got shaky.

i told him he needed to go talk to someone because i had a feeling he was suffering from depression or PTSD, or both. He ended up going about two months after the initial talk.

fast forward to about a month ago. We were both at our wits ends, we loved eachother, but couldnt figure out HOW to get back on track, i had started doing even more reading about depression and PTSD, i found some useful tools, but it didnt really matter. His anger has spiraled out of control, he would always leave the house when things got hasty, he wouldnt call for days on end, and then hed come home after i begged and pleaded.

valentine weekend of this year, he left-- again-- he finally agreed to come over 5 days later to talk, he said he was sorry for all the pain he had caused me and that he wanted to really fosuc on our marriage and whatnot, we both agreed it would be best for him to move out just temporarily so he could have time away to clear his head and we could get on track.

then a mere three days later, he became physical towards me and i didnt call the police. then two days later he made a threat while i was driving the car, and i kicked him out of the car for it, i was scared!

because of that, i filed a police report and child welfare services got involved. they forced me to get a restraining order against him or they were going to take my kids away from me. and NOW he has flew off the handle and has filed divorce.

i cant speak to him because of the RO, and i know he is getting loans to pay for a lawyer. I am soo upset that he is doing this to our family. i dont understand how he can go from "i love you, we will get through this" to divorce.

i think he has severe mental issues, that he doesnt want to address, hes soo angry and his rage got out of hand. his path he has chosen is self destructive.

does anyone have ideas on what to do to help him see this is his anger? i know this is more about the divorce, but i seriously think this is an irrational behavior.

i have two kids to worry about when all of this is said and done, and although he CLAIMS they mean the world to him, why would he abandon them?

Comment #1 Helena (63.176.159.184) -

I feel for you sister. What he have is a real mental issue and like most men are too coward to admit to themselves. If only they would just tear down those tall wall of ego and pride and start listening to their partners if indeed they want to really hold on to their family and his love for you. I think you should also open your eyes that you might not be the only woman in his life or he might be sleeping with some low lives on the street, because how and where would you think he might stay during your frequent fight? I know you love him but there is a limit to love, once you and your children became endangered then you must take proper actions.

Comment #2 Dom (63.176.159.179) -

I don't want to be the jerk and call you out, but it almost seems like you somewhat told him he had depression or PTSD in a brash way. Maybe he felt there was nothing wrong, but you kept insisting he was going through one of the two.

Maybe his anger started from you trying to help me with the depression or PTSD he may have never had.

But I feel badly for saying all this and I hope you can figure things out for the best.

Comment #3 cwemoy (63.176.159.185) -

As much I want to help you, I first beg to differ with Helena a bit. For one, stereotypes never help solve a situation; they only serve to worsen things. Depression is a serious thing that mostly leads to a serious state of mind, like psychosis and schizophrenia so it is good if you tried to curb the situation now.

Just wondering, if we got his side of the story, would he concur that your approach to the whole issue has been anything but tactful?

Get professional help and if possible, book an appointment with a counselor for the two of you.

Comment #4 Dave Macarthy (63.176.159.244) -

Hi, Angie! Thanks for sharing. You donīt say what "shaky" means in your message. You say things got "shaky", but the word can mean many things. It seem that your huband went through several stages, all down hill. Did he stay in the Army? Or was he released right after his return? Did he ever give you any details of his war experiences. When you refer to Post T. trauma, what do you assume that to be? There have been plenty of movies on the subject, but few clarifications as to what it actually is. Our psychological life is usually governed by our egos, or control centers, "hard disks" in computer terms. Problems arise when the ego starts thinking that it is going to lose control. The ego (also called "the self"), is a control freak and canīt stand thinking that itīs going to lose that control. Wartime situations really crush it and turn people bananas. I agree that you two need help. But there are questions to answer. Wish I could help you, I am a psychotherapist. Regards.

Comment #5 aspiring husband (63.176.159.97) -

Very true Dave...what she is talking about is to some extent non-exhaustive. If I was her, I would quickly book an appointment with you. It seems to me that this is an even bigger problem that needs to be handled by a professional before it superceeds to worse extents.

My understanding of post-trauma(and I bet this could be a layman's view)is what results after a bad incident has occurred but out of natural causes, one is not able to react to the circumstances. The negative effects crop up thereafter, seemingly after all has cooled down.

Comment #6 Olivia (63.176.159.39) -

But she is not you aspiring husband. It is sad to say but we are only here just for some opinions that might work out to the situation Angie is dealing with. But the real score and decision still depends to her.

Just try to have some time talking with your partner. it is not that hard and besides you can ventilate each others feelings as well. I hope Angie can go through this.

Comment #7 aspiring husband (63.176.159.45) -

Indeed Olivia she is not me..that is why she is asking for varied opinions on what she is going through.

If you have noticed, these problems revolving around couples will start with, 'My husband has been abusing me....' or 'I have tried to talk my wife out of depression but she cannot listen..'

The situation is that no one ever wants to admit his or her role in the whole drama.

My point is, let both parties be open so as to chart the way forward.

Comment #8 Loona (63.176.159.42) -

Well you have a point there on ventilating feelings to one another aspiring husband, but what if the situation requires them to get separated? Like the original post? We all know that talking is very necessary in patching things up, but it also depends on the situation both parties are into. Most especially when there are kids involved in the process. If it is much healthy to live separately then go on..

Comment #9 aspiring husband (63.176.159.82) -

Loona, you have an even stronger point. I agree that there are those situations where a separation of some kind is the way out but I guess few are the cases where both parties settle upon going separate ways without one pulling the other way.

I think if the situation forces that to happen, then there is very little choice left. In the end, what matters is how the children will be handled so that this does not turn into trauma.

Comment #10 Ricky (63.176.159.29) -

Yeah, those poor children are always in the middle of the fight without the parents noticing it. The fighting parents felt that they are the only people involved in the circle of issues but then in the center would always be their children who just silently watch and absorbs all the words, bad or good and all the drama.. the result, rebellious teenagers, abusive behavior and much more..

So parents, try to make your kids the center of everything..

Comment #11 Sharky (63.176.159.251) -

People get angry and it is normal, we just have to learn how to control our emotions to be able to not affect those people around us..

We do not want to make the fight go deep between us as parents and as a couple right? So control your temper and hear each other, sometimes the simplest thing to do yet the hardest to do is to just listen.. Smile..

Comment #12 Nina (63.176.159.253) -

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Comment #13 aaron from grand rapids mi -

"re: my husband has depression and ptsd"

Angie, you have nobody to blame for this but yourself. You knew he was in a very emotional state, and that things were very rocky. And so what do you do? You tell him he should move out (and in his mind, he should move out so that you can around with another man). This was your mistake, Angie. I don't blame him for wanting a divorce, when his wife throws him out of the house during his time of need. You did this Angie. You have nobody to blame but yourself.

Comment #14 Eve (63.176.159.77) -

Many people are diagnosed with terrible disorders on a daily basis, but it is now coming to light that we need to sorry about such things. In fact, it is certain that many of the disorders that are being heard of today were made up as a scheme to keep particular industries booming, i.e. pharmaceutical, psychological, etc...

Comment #15 Eve (63.176.159.111) -

We need to really *worry and show major concern about these issues, as the potential damages that can be experienced from them is severe beyond measure.

Comment #16 Eve (63.176.159.70) -

Who is to say no! And who is to say yes? Please contribute to this food for thought, as a wise man surely keepeth a still tongue, but a fool does need to ask as much as he is able, in order to become a quiet fool?

Comment #17 Eve (63.176.159.105) -

I would have loved to see someone else reply to this before I came back around, but, what can I say.

Comment #18 Alicia (63.176.159.92) -

I think your husband got a post war depression, gosh, how hard would that be fighting in war. So maybe he got that depression out of the war.

I think you better make him to see some doctor. No wonder how hard it is for you, it is also hard for him as well. Understaning towards the situation would be hard, that is for sure, but who else could understand him but you.

Comment #19 Kuh (63.176.159.58) -

I also think so. Maybe he had suffered a lot of mental stress because of the war that is why he is like that now.

But anyway, good luck to you and to your husband.

Comment #20 Lyka (63.176.159.45) -

Hey, is there such thing as post war depression. But I have to say that your husband really suffers a lot during that time that makes him act like that. Maybe you can try to seek medical help to clarify things up with regards to your husband's current health condition. Just try to widen your view over the matter and be patient over him. You are his wife so you are the one to do those things for him.

Comment #21 Lisa (63.176.159.77) -

This is a very hard situation to be involved in. I know from the depression many other things could develop such as the paranoia and that is shown in some of the actions you have described. His mind is not in a right place anymore and I don't think there is much that could be done help him. Best of luck and stay strong.

Comment #22 armywife (72.122.182.219) -

"civies sometimes dont understand"

As a military wife myself I can understand your situation. It's a hard road to travel and due to Ptsd and depression many relationships have been lost. When soldiers go to war and then come home they are not the same, but same goes for the wifes who endure things most never need to go through. Communication is the key but in your case it can't happen which makes this situation even harder. Don't blam yourself for what is happening you were protecting yourself and your children. I have been there and reacted the same. Give life time, agree to disagree, and always trust your gut when it comes to the safety of you and your kids. I feel your pain and send my regards to your family.

Comment #23 shannon (71.95.166.204) - Thu Aug 26 10:36:58 2010

"ArmySpouse"

Hi Angie,

I am an Army Spouse going through the same situation. I am completely thrown back by some of these comments.

Aaron from Grand Rapids, I think you need more education on PTSD/Combat stress. These guys come home after being in accidents, or seeing their firends killed and of course it is going to mess with their minds. They come home in a way different mind set. PTSD is a serious mental condition. My husband came home with it. These guys who have it would rather find an addiction or someone else to blame instead of seeing their own realities and it puts a huge toll onthe family. As Spouses we do our best to try to get help.

Alicia, Unfortunatly, escpecially if he is still in the military, the military wont "make" him do anythin, just merely suggest he take medications. As far as counsling, the military wont "make" him unless he is in the Warrior Transitional Unit. That is where these guys who have been hurt in combat, or have TBI or PTSD. This is kind of a mini treatment unit. They are told they have to go to counsling, but they are not forced to stay focused. If they do not stay focused, they can get the treatment needed. Ptsd will never go away, but there are treatments and methods to help cope with it. There are "triggers" everywhere....

Angie.... You did the right thing by kicking him out and making you guys take some space. I am pregnant and thats the last thing we as spouses want to do is break up our family, but you thought about yours and your kids safety. There is nothin more important in this world then our kids.

I have been in circles with my husbands command about his PTSD and they dont think there is anything wrong with him.

If you are still military, feel free to call militaryocesource. They help family members like us get counsling, but tricare will do the same. If your husband gets benefits throuh the VA you might have some too.

Dont let anyone ever tell you that this is your fault. That is always our initial reaction to the rejection we get from our soldiers, but really, it is them with a problem and right now, they dont see us as wanting to help, to them it is us trying to burden them and their attempt to escape reality.

He is just not ready to face what really happened and sometimes they have to hit rock bottom to see that. It is a very painful road for both the spouse and soldier. Hang in there, feel free to email me if you ever need to talk or want advice... shannonparsons48 at yahoo.com

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